The Fight For Love
by ThePandoricaWillOpen
Summary: Anders wouldn't say he's in love with the dashing rogue called Nathaniel, nope he wouldn't admit it out loud. Nathaniel wouldn't say that he find the new mage interesting, not at all. Nanders Story from two years ago. re-published. Rated M for smut. (Complete)
1. Chapter 1:Prologue

**Chapter 1: Prologue**

He pressed himself against me and pushed me out of the way. My staff fell from my grip and landed several feet away, in the enemy's grasp. He pushed us against the wall, away from the danger of the battle. His rapid breathing on my neck reminded me of the times, oh so long ago, when we were together. Before I left, before I became this. I sighed to myself; those kinds of thoughts never help in times of battle. They never really helped in times of peace either.

"Maker, Nathaniel. Did you really have to push yourself against me so harshly?" I grumbled from my place on the wall.

"Be thankful, Mage. I saved your life." Nathaniel replied.

"Yes, well... the danger is over so would you kindly get off of me?" With what could have been hesitation, Nathaniel Howe, son of one of the most hated men in Thedas, pushed himself off of me and stalked away, twin blades in hand.

"Maker," I whispered. "Déjá vu."

Later that night, as we sat around the campfire made by our fearless Commander, Heon, I looked at Nathaniel out of the corner of my eye. He had been quieter and more brooding that usual today. I had tried my best to make conversation with him but the most I'd gotten in return was, "Will you stop pestering me, Anders?" before he marched off to the edge of camp.

Now, finally, I'd had enough. As everyone went to his or her own tents and bedrolls, I headed with Nathaniel to the forest. He was a good 5 paces in front of me and grumbled when he first heard me following him. I began to whistle, something he hated. Sure enough, he turned around, making walk right into him.

"Mage," He said angrily. "Why are you following me?"

"You looked in need of company." I told him.

"I don't need company," he turned and continued to walk. "Especially not yours."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: 1 Year ago**

"Andraste's knickers!" I breathed out as we entered the Keep.

The massive steel door opened, letting sunlight stream into the hall, illuminating the paintings of fallen Wardens and fabled Kings. I followed my escort inside the hall, careful not to dirty the red velvety rug that seemed to stretch out forever. My escort stopped and smiled. "Beautiful isn't it?" I smiled in return, my head turning this way and that trying to see the entire hall in one look. Enormous stained glass windows decorated the several feet high walls. The light that entered the hall was heavenly. Rays of sunshine shone in illuminating even the darkest of corners. I looked around, numerous people were dallying, and none seemed to find the beauty of this hall. Either that or they were used to it. My escort coughed, bringing me back to the present. I nodded and followed him to the front of the hall.

A large chair stood in its center, and elf sat upon it. The man, who I had assumed was the Commander, stood of to the side. Why would the Commander stand while an elf sat on the high seat? The elf stood as we approached. My escort bowed and kneeled to him, I followed. I was wrong it seemed. The man standing next to him, old and shriveled by comparison, announced who I was. "Warden Commander Heon, Arl of Amaranthine, may I present to you Anders, your new Warden."

"Anders'," Heon, the **Orlesian** Grey Warden, called out to me. _Didn't know Orlesian's had Grey Wardens. _"Good to see you made it through the ritual." He pulled me into a tight hug before I could object.

"I am too." I breathed out as he released me**. **His deep green eyes looked at me. His mouth twisted in a sly smile before patting me, roughly, on the back. I took in his form. Rather tall for an elf, he looked too thin to be able to swing the enormous sword on his back.. He wore the standard elven armor that I'd seen on many others. S_houldn't he be wearing Warden armor?_ I thought to myself as he turned and walked away.

The hall had cleared by now and we were alone except for a few guardsmen. I followed him in silence into the hallway and into another room, smaller than the previous hall. "This is the mess hall," Heon explained. He motioned to a scullion, a shy elven girl who'd come up behind us. She nodded furiously and scurried off. "We eat 5 meals a day, but you may eat as much and as often as you wish."

I stared at Heon. They ate _five times a day_? FIVE? "What is the matter, Anders? Is something wrong?" he asked me as I continued to stare at him.

"You eat five times a day?" I asked incredulously

Heon nodded and laughed. "My second in command shall explain later tonight." I was about to protest, which was within my rights, when I smelled it. **Food.** Having been held captive for almost a week, I hadn't had a single squared meal. Sure, the Templars here and there, but some every other day was just not good enough for a growing mage.

"Eat all you wish," He told me, pointing to the table and handing me a big plate. "You must be hungry."

"Oh, I am," I told him. "Do you have-"

"Yes," he assured me, pointing to the far end of the table.

Skeptical,, I walked over, avoiding the serving girls who were still scurrying to place plates of food on the already full table. I eyed the giant nug that was strung up and laid out center stage. I passed the giant trays of cookies and slices of cheese. I leaned over the gigantic cake with the words "_In war victory, in peace vigilance and in death sacrifice" _written on it. I looked to the edge of the table and by the Maker there they were. Steak and potatoes as juicy and deliciously smelling as I remembered back home.

"I can die a happy man now!" I informed Heon as I filled my plate with stakes and potatoes and many other wondrous things.

The smells emitted from all the food were causing my stomach to rumble loudly. I took a large portion of everything and sat down eagerly on a stool. The food, now in front of me, grew more mouthwatering by the second. Taking a fork and knife, I cut a slice of the juicy steak and dipped it into the creamy potatoes. Careful not to spill, I took a bite and bit back a moan. The creamy texture of the potatoes and the rich juices of the steak mixed in my mouth in an explosion of flavor.

The hall began to fill up. Other Wardens and guards entered and helped themselves to the laid out course. Merchants, children and even servants joined in. It seemed that gathered in this hall to eat as one. I looked at Heon, who had picked up a small child. Holding him in his slender arms I offered the boy a cookie but he hid his face in Heon's shoulder. I stood from my seat and patted the child on the back.

"What's your name, then?" I asked. "Mine is Anders."

The child said something but it was muffled. "This is Ando. He is the son of one of the elven workers here." Heon answered for the boy. I noticed he said worker and not slave.

"You asked for me, commander?" A rough voice asked behind me. Placing a hand on my shoulder, Heon turned me around to face its owner. An armed man stood before us at attention. The man looked me over from head to toe before looking back at the commander. His piercing gray eyes narrowed at Heon , silently asking him a question. I turned back to my steak and potatoes, but was pulled back around by Heon. The rich gravy smell called out for me, begged me to eat it. But it would have to wait.

"Yes, I did. Anders, meet Nathaniel Howe. Nathaniel, Anders is the new Grey Warden I was telling you about."

"A pleasure," I extended my hand to Nathaniel only to watch him held no love for mages, it seemed. "Or not."

"Commander," Nathaniel said, his grey eyes on me. "If there isn't anything further…"

"Well, there is." Heon said before picking up Ando again. Ando looked to Nathaniel who smiled at him briefly. His face, even with all its odd angles, was handsome, handsomer, when he smiled. But then he saw me staring and that ice-cold glare returned. He looked to Heon as the Commander ran his fingers through Ando's soft hair before coughing and straitening up even more.

"Yes," Nathaniel said impatiently. "What do you need Commander?"

Heon turned to mecame to a silent decision, and then said, "I leave you in the care of Nathaniel."

"Um," I looked at Nathaniel, whose face had paled. "I don't think that is a good idea."

"Nonsense." Heon turned back to Nathaniel. Ando looked at me from his perch in Heon's arms and smiled. He mouthed, N_athaniel nice,_ and kissed Heon's long ear. Taking the hint, Heon set him down and promised to read to him later on. He faced me and said, "I trust Nathaniel enough with Ando, therefore I think he needs a challenge. Will you provide him with a challenge?"

_I will indeed_, I said to myself."Alright," I replied. "If that is your wish."

{Two Hours Later}

"Are you finished yet, mage?" My handsome guide asked. Grey eyes looked at me with a mixture of amusement and impatience.

"Almost." The hall was empty now, only latecomers and drunks remained. I remained in my seat, scraps all over both the table (and myself. There was still food left, which was unsurprising since they seemed to have cooked enough for a High Dragon to . Heon had finished a long time ago and had retreated into the library. There he went every night, according to Nathaniel, reading to the children. Somewhere deep inside me, respect began to build for the Warden. He had not only rescued me from my abusive jailers, he also read to children and gave them a save and warm place to rest. He even seemed genuine about it . He wasn't forced to read to the children, he chose to do so.

Finishing up what still felt like my first serving, I got up to serve myself more steak and potatoes. _They are going to be my downfall_, I thought to myself.

"No," Nathaniel said, placing a rough, calloused hand on my arm. "You are done eating."

"Am not," I replied immaturely. "I'm still hungry."

"As a Grey Warden your appetite will have increased." He told me. "Something you would know if you'd quit eating!"

"Oh." I dropped the plate and wiped my hands on the front of my robes. "Well, what are you waiting for? Let's go."

ᴥ

I followed Nathaniel into a room lined with books, The Grey Warden Library. I'd heard about this library. Almost as old as Weisshaupt, the old Warden Headquarters, it contained everything there was to know about the Wardens and Thedas. It contained books ranging from fiction to religion, and it was rumored to contain books on blood magic. A rumor I simply had to prove or disprove.

He led me to a table near a window overlooking a pasture to the east. He sat down and looked at me, his eyes piercing through me. The young Howe sighed and his eyes rested on my hands. Jokingly, I let them glow the light blue color of a rejuvenation spell. Not surprisingly, I felt him tense but he showed no visible reaction. His face remained bland, only his eyes revealed his distress. _Great control over his emotions, _I thought, _we'll have to work on that._

"First," he began.

"First," I echoed. "Shake my hand."

He faltered a bit before regaining his composure. "What?"

I smiled. _Good, his emotions are coming out. _"Go ahead, shake it." I extended my hand towards him slowly.

"What good will that do?" he asked, his voice rising a bit.

"You? None." I pointed from him to me. "Me? Lots." I explained, slowly moving my hand over to him. He looked at it as if my hand would bite his off. I sighed and moved it even closer to him.

"Why?" Nathaniel asked me. "What are you going to do?"

"Nothing." I held up my hands in surrender. "I swear."

"Fine." He, forcefully, grabbed one of my hands in his. His calloused hands scraped against mine, but no matter how hard he gripped, and he gripped hard for someone so afraid of me, I didn't want him to let go. My hands held on to his as he tried to pull away a moment later. I closed my eyes in concentration. Without the use of my hands, a healing spell would be a tad bit difficult. A moment later, Nathaniel's sharp intake of air told me it had worked. His hands slipped away from mine, his rough palm giving me yet another chill as they rubbed against me I grabbed them back and held on tight. Seconds passed before I let go.

"What in the name of Andraste did you do?" Nathaniel yelled, standing from the table and backing away from me.

"Just a simple healing spell," I replied, shrugging. "You looked a bit tired."

"I-" he moved towards the door. _That didn't go as well as I planned._ "You're welcome." I said before standing up and brushing past him. I held on to the doorknob, half hoping my name would escape from his lips. But he remained still, eyes on his hands. Finally, plan foiled, I opened the door and left.

ᴥ

My first mission with the Wardens; finding another Warden named Kristoff. We headed to the beautiful city of Amaranthine, where I had been recently captured. After a word with the guard captain we went in. The Crown and Lion, the local tavern and inn, was our destination. Heon had been told that was the last place Kristoff had been seen, which was reasonable since he had a room paid up for a week. The innkeeper directed us to him room up the stairs. There was a serving wench at the top of the stairs. As we approached, she eyed Nathaniel thoroughly. But he paid her no mind; instead he walked ahead to Kristoff's room to check for traps. I winked at the wench and followed Nathaniel and Heon into the room.

"It is a mess," Heon proclaimed.

"It seems he has left," Nathaniel said, opening a chest. "But he has left his possessions."

I went to the map on the wall showing the Amaranthine arling in its entirety. Papers were scattered on a table nearby. I looked through them. Tight, neat handwriting detailed every place where Kristoff had been. "He has gone to the Blackmarsh."

"What? How did you-" I held up the papers for Heon to see. "To the Blackmarsh then!" Heon's enthusiasm was thrilling, if a little misdirected. He clearly didn't know about the Blackmarsh and its history like I, and Nathaniel judging by his face, did.

"Perhaps we should rest a bit before heading to the marsh," I suggested.

"Yes, Commander, I agree with the mage," Nathaniel said at my side. I gave him a wink in thank you before looking back at Heon. He eyed us both before smiling wide, too widely for any human, and nodding.

"Boys," His Orlesian accent spiked. "We shall celebrate our arrival in the great city of Amaranthine and then we shall depart at midday tomorrow." Nathaniel and I looked at each other before following Heon out of the room. We found him declaring from the top of the stairs, "Drinks are on me tonight! Order what you may!" The entire tavern burst into cheers as waitresses went into the back and returned with drinks.

Heon continued down the stairs. We followed him to a small table at the corner of the tavern. He raised his hand for the serving wench's attention and called, "Is there any Antivan wine?" The woman who came nodded yes and went to get it.

"You are going to love Antivan wine." He told us when she returned.

"To the Wardens?" Nathaniel proposed, raising his cup.

"To the Wardens." Heon and I repeated, each taking a swig. The wine was fine indeed. Smooth and sweet yet bitter and rough as it went down my throat. Only the Antivans would make such a mixture of taste.

ᴥ

We spent the better half of an hour drinking 5, _or was it 6?,_ bottles of the wonderful wine. All around us, patrons, most of them drunk, were leaving. Worried something might happen to them, Heon hired a few tough looking chaps to take them home.

We remained in the tavern long after it closed and the innkeeper retired. He told us to help ourselves to whatever we wanted but to keep it down. But after a while, the wine began to take its toll. On everyone but me that is. It was getting there, but not quiet yet. Nathaniel looked just about ready to barf and Heon snored soundly on a bench not far away from me. Under my breath I chanted a small healing spell for Nathaniel.

"So... you're a Howe?" I asked conversationally while filling Nathaniel's cup.

"Do you have a point, mage?" Nathaniel took a swig of the wine. "Or is this another pointless jab at my family?"

"Hey, I'm fond of the Howes! I'm also fond of the Whys, the Who's and the What's."

Nathaniel smiled for a moment before taking yet another drink and eying me harshly. "How clever."

"It's shameful how long it took me to come up with that," I told him, chuckling at myself. We stayed in silence for a while, Heon's soft snoring resonating in the background. I looked at our fearless leader. His legs hung from the bench were he slept and gave me a clear view of his _goods_. I eyed him, assessing him, before feeling eyes on me.

"You don't always wear robes, do you?" Nathaniel asked suddenly.

"Not when I'm naked I don't." I pulled at the sashes of my robe. Hoping he would follow my hands. And by Andraste's tits did he!

Nathaniel looked intently at my hands before shaking his head and saying, "I mean when you run from the Circle. Robes would make you easy to spot."

"So does the 'I'm a mage!' sign around my neck. I like to make it easy for the poor Templars" I undid another tie and pulled my robe open slightly. Nathaniel didn't protest and his eyes never left my now exposed chest.

"See something you like, Nathaniel?" I asked, grinning. "I have that effect on people."

"I-" Nathaniel shook his head and finally tore his gaze from my chest. "I need to rest."

ᴥ

"Never going there again!" I yelled as we arrived back at the Keep, a spirit in tow. Justice, the spirit that now inhabited the poor sod Kristoff, followed closely behind me. The proximity gave me chills and surely, later on, nightmares. Nathaniel had taken up the rear of our party and so he arrived last to the Keep. When he did, Justice was talking with Heon. Something in Nathaniel's posture told me he didn't trust Justice at all. I looked at him, then at Justice, and then back at him. He nodded in return and eyed Justice once more before coming to me.

"Go and shower," He told me even though he was the one caked in darkspawn blood. "He will probably be introduced to the rest of the Keep at dinner tonight."

"Will do," I told him, but I didn't turn to leave. "I don't trust him, do you?"

Nathaniel shook his head. ""Me either. Heon seems to trust him, though. I'll be keeping an eye on him," Nathaniel told me.

"Then I shall sleep soundly," I said starting untie my robe. "I shall bathe. See you later?" Nathaniel nodded.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2

What had the bloody mage meant? _So you can grease the old sword without those Templar bastards noticing_. He'd looked at Nathaniel, a strange spark in his eyes, and winked Nathaniel had blushed an amazingly bright color and excused himself from the table. Now, laying in bed, Nathaniel pondered Anders. The mage, over the last month, had proved himself quiet useful. Both his healing and offensive spells had been effective in combat. He'd saved Nathaniel's (and everyone else's) life quite a few times too. As much as Nathaniel hated to admit it, he'd grown to like the mage.

The nights they, Oghren, Ander and he, spent in the mess hall drinking had revealed a softer, more caring side to Anders, who didn't get drunk easily due to his magic, or so he claimed. Those nights had also revealed Anders as a lover of all things that moved. Drunk or not, he'd hit on everything and anything. From old to young, men or woman, it mattered not. Anders took his pleasures where he could.

His blond hair, ruffled from him tryst in the corners, would become untied from the ribbon that held it. Nathaniel always resisted the need to touch it, to run his finger through it. To hold it in his hands. To pull the mage to him, to beg him if he needed to. Beg him to take him in the corner and do things to him, things that ran through his mind every night. Unbidden, Nathaniel's hands creeped along his chest, gently massaging his nipples, his mind remained on Anders.

"Maker!" He exclaimed as he realized what he had been doing. "Damn you Anders."

But once again, as his mind wondered to Anders, Nathaniel's hands moved about. This time their target was a bit lower.

When his hands reached his hips, a chill creeped through him. Chills that he imagined being Anders' breath as he kissed him. An unholy kiss, one that Nate was in desperate need of. Hands hovering, his mind picturing Anders looking at him from between his legs. Finally, he had to do it. As his hands closed in on himself, he stifled a moan. In his mind, Anders' lips around him... his hands could do no justice to what the mage's lips could do. Anders... His name was enough to elicit a response.

Nathaniel's hand began to slide up and down his shaft and he leaned his head back against the bed, closing his eyes and enjoying the sensations. He pumped his member quickly, unable to delay, using his thumb to smear his wetness over the tip with each stroke. He pictured everything he'd heard from the guards that Anders did. The "wonderful" liking and "stinging of his teeth" as Anders teased him with his mouth. The "chills" as Anders grabbed his sac and pulled ever so lightly. Nathaniel opened his legs more, pretending Anders was laying in front of him. Mouth to him, his hands leaving him to work on his own stiff erection. He, unwillingly, moaned Anders name when his stomach began to tighten and warmth began to spread through him. He imagined Anders looking at his dark eye lashes, his brown eyes filled with lust, and perhaps even love. And that was enough to send him over the edge.

As Anders left his mind, Nate felt a cold, empty feeling run through him. He wiped his hands on the bed sheet, wiping Anders away from his mind. With a satisfying sigh, Nathaniel turned on the bed, his back to the door. A small creak had him turning back, wide eyed._ No one_, he assured himself, even if his own heart betrayed him by pounding rapidly. _It is no one._

" 'ello?" He whispered. "Anyone there?"

Silence.

"Stupid stupi-" Another creek. "Alright," He got up. "Who's there?"

Standing and quickly putting on his breeches while walking to the door, he slammed it open and Maker what a sight. Anders stood there, in his blue silk robe, his tanned chest peaking out slightly from under it, hand raised up to knock.

"A-Anders?" Turning so he could buckle his pants, Nathaniel felt the same hotness he'd felt earlier. "What do you want, mage?"

"Can we talk?" Even without looking, Nathaniel could tell he was smirking.

"What about?" Nathaniel turned his head to studied Anders. Hair disheveled by his constant hand raking, Anders looked like a nervous wreck. "What's wrong?"

"Two things."

"Yes..." Nathaniel prompted.

"First, why are you so flustered?" He pushed himself into the room and sprawled onto Nathaniel's bed.

"I'm not flustered." He murmured as he checked the hallway for the mysterious creek. Nathaniel saw nothing. "Did you see anyone out here?"

"Other than me?" Nathaniel nodded "No. Something wrong?"

"No," He replied. _No one was outside_, Nathaniel thought_, no one but him_. _Could he -? No, nonsense_. "What is your other question?" Nathaniel asked securing his breeches on his hips and sliding on a more comfortable shirt.

"Oh, please don't get dressed on my account!" Anders exclaimed from his place on the bed. His arms were behind his head and a teasing smile was quickly replaced by uncertainty. "Am I a womanizer?"

Nathaniel snorted before he could help it, hating the way Anders' seemingly never ending smirk turned sad as he did. Meeting his eyes, Nathaniel said, quite clearly, "No."

"Valenna said-"

"That elf hates all humans," Nathaniel said with a sweep of his hand. "She hates everything and everyone."

"She had good points, though."

I'm sure you do too, Nathaniel said to himself. "Don't listen to her."

"I guess..." Anders said, sounding unconvinced. He stared into thin air, his hands unconsciously raking themselves through his hair.

"Anders," Nathaniel walked around the bed and sat, heart beating rapidly, by Anders' head and looked down at him. He, as always, resisted the urge to run his finger through Anders' blond locks. "Anyone would be lucky to have you."

Still unconvinced, Anders' nodded. His face suddenly lit up in amusement. _He is like a puppy, Nathaniel thought. _"So... now that my embarrassing question is out of the way, why don't you share yours. What's got you flushed?"

"Uh," Turning away, hating his face for betraying him, Nathaniel said, "a dream."

"One of **those **dreams?" Anders' asked smirking. "Do tell."

"I'd rather not." Nathaniel walked to the window, staring out into the night. _He can never know._ "It is nothing."

"Ah, C'mon Nate!" Anders begged. "Pretty please?"

"No."

"Can I guess who it was involving?" Reluctantly, Nathaniel nodded. "You obviously... Valenna? No... Oghren? No, he wouldn't make you hot and heavy. I don't know many who are turned on by him. Sigrun? No… she's like Oghren with boobs. The Seneschal?"

Nathaniel shook his head. "You'll never guess."

"Ah," Anders' said with a sudden gasp of realization. "Heon."

"What? No!" Nathaniel stood up. How could he think he'd be interested in Heon? "Why would you think that?"

"I don't know. It was just a guess." Anders shrugged. "Was it Heon? You can tell me, Nathaniel."

"Not Heon."

"Well that only leaves..." Anders pointed around the room, at anything but himself. Nathaniel felt his member twitch as Anders' index finger twitched this way and that. _If only he used that finger in me!_

"I am tired so if you wouldn't mind." Nathaniel opened the door for Anders'.

"Sure." Anders got up, slightly flashing Nathaniel who was already as red as an apple, as he stood. "We have first patrol tomorrow."

Nathaniel nodded and looked down as Anders' passed by him, his scent caught in his lungs. _Strawberries_, Nathaniel thought absentmindedly. Anders' scent... was so Anders that Nathaniel found himself wondering why he'd never noticed it before. _Strawberries and … lyrium?_ Yes, he could smell the bittersweet trace of lyrium.

Anders left the room as slowly as possible. Nathaniel's eyes followed him out before he closed the door behind him. Nathaniel was too flustered tonight. Flustered and worried. He'd mentioned he'd heard someone outside his room; maybe he needed a guard tonight. He cast a barrier spell around Nathaniel's room before heading to his room on the other side of the Keep. The spell would dissipate in a few hours, but for now Nathaniel had nothing to worry about.

A smile played over his lips as he entered his room and removed his robe. One advantage to being a mage: robes. He never had to wear under clothes, unless he wanted to. And he never seemed to remember to do so, funny how that always seemed to happen.

"Soon," Anders said out loud. "Soon, he will be mine."


	4. Chapter 4

Anyway, Short Chapter...

Chapter 4

Nathaniel

As he silently approached the room, a sudden rush of anxiety plagued him. The mysterious letter in hand, Nathaniel had rushed out of his room without a thought and now, standing a few doors away, he was tempted to turn around and forget the whole thing. But he knew, in the deepest part of his mind, that he wouldn't- couldn't- let this go. The awkwardness was too much for him to bear. Their regular nightly walks after dinner had stopped one night when Nathaniel found himself in the Keep's library instead of the mess hall. On patrol Anders and Nathaniel would divide the area and Nathaniel found himself hurrying and leaving Anders behind, after making sure there was no real threat, of course.

Standing against the wall while trying to calm his breathing and pounding heart, Nathaniel wondered what the ache was that filled him every night. The ache- no, the want- that made him furious with himself when he saw Justice and Anders, or Oghren and Anders, or even Heon and Anders, walking side by side in deep conversation. He wanted to join in, put an arm around Anders and laugh and joke with him, but he simply couldn't. He wouldn't allow himself. It was not right, these feelings.

His defenses had been wiped clean by one simple statement the blasted mage had said this morning. _Maybe you shouldn't try as hard to impress me_. The embarrassment he had felt leaving that room, the embarrassment he shouldn't have felt as he stalked to his room, only to dream of Anders once more. The dream revolved around their making love.

Quickly, before the fear and doubt returned, Nathaniel pushed himself of the wall and forced himself to knock on the mage's door. After a few moments, when he was about to turn around and leave the door opened. Anders stood in a blue bath robe- Nathaniel's favorite color- and nothing else. Slightly aroused, Nathaniel nodded at the mage before raising his hand, careful not to let it tremble, to the smirking mage.

"I got your note," He told Anders. "What do you want?"

"To talk," the mage replied stepping aside to let Nathaniel enter. He did so without hesitation

"I got that from the note." Nathaniel breathed in slowly. _This room smells too much like him,_ he thought. "Is that all or is there more?"

"Yes," The mage said vaguely as he closed the door. "There is more."

"What do you want, Anders?" Nathaniel asked exasperated. He caught a flash of pain cross Anders' features and quickly added, "I'm tired. Heon had me reading manifests and treaties all day."

"That must have been horrible," Ander chuckled. "I just wanted to talk."

"What is it?" Nathaniel sat on the bed, avoiding Ser Pounce-a-lot.

"I've been thinking-"

"That's a first," Nathaniel interrupted.

"-That maybe we should have a heart to heart conversation," Anders continued. "Like we used to."

"Perhaps another time, yes?" Nathaniel said, panicking. Heart pounding he stood, intending to walk out the door. Upon passing Anders, however, Nathaniel felt it again and stopped. The fury at himself rising in his chest. The faster his heart pounded, the more the feeling intensified. Anders, oblivious to this, sat down on the bed.

Looking surprised to see Nathaniel still there, he smirked and turned to pet his cat. Nathaniel, eyes glued to Anders' chest, which had been exposed by his turning, took a step towards him. His steps, not missed by Anders', made his decision all the more certain.

"You seem rather attached to that cat, Anders." Nathaniel pointed out.

Surprised, Anders looked at him before answering. "It's more that he is rather attached to me. Isn't that right, Ser Pounce-a-lot?" The cat meowed in agreement and turned on its belly.

"Isn't that name a little... ridiculous?" Nathaniel took a step forward, mustering the courage to tell him what he really wanted to tell him.

"What do you think I should call him? Frederick?" Anders joked.

"There are worse names, I suppose..." Nathaniel conceded. Taking a deep breath, Nathaniel looked down at the mage_. He has to know, I can't take it anymore. _"I've -well- I've met someone." Nathaniel said, looking down, his hands curling, feeling numb.

"Who's the lucky guy?" Anders said, smirking. With a sudden breath he stood up. Nathaniel had never seen the mage move so fast. Even the cat seemed startled at this

"Someone who... you wouldn't approve of." Nathaniel looked directly at Anders. "His name is Anders."

"Anders..." The mage said, joking. "I don't believe I've met him."

"Why do you tease me so?" Nathaniel sprang right up to Anders in a heartbeat. Before he could talk himself out of it, Nathaniel grabbed Anders' hand in his own. "I've been scared to tell you. Furious at myself for wanting you, wanting you to want me. Hoping, always hoping, you'd make the first move!"

"Why are you-" Then it hit him, like slap in the face. "It's because I am a mage, isn't it?"

Nathaniel nodded slightly and looked away."You're scared of being involved with a mage?" Dislodging his hands from Nathaniel's, he pulled his face towards his. "Why are you scared?"

"Tell me." He insisted with a sudden flash of seriousness.

"I can't."_ You're a man,_ he wanted to say_, and I'm scared of loving a man_. Weak with emotion, Nathaniel placed his head on Anders' shoulders and sighed. What good would this do? Howes were not meant for happiness. Any excuse to push him away would do. "Anders..."

"You can't be serious," Anders whispered into Nathaniel's hair before pulling him closer. The suddenly vulnerable rogue pulled Anders to him, demanding his attention. "Nate..." Anders whispered into his hair.

"Anders," He breathed into the mage's rising chest, shaking. "No one can know."

After a few moments of silence in which Anders told himself it was for the best, he replied, "I won't tell a soul."

They held each until the shaking stopped. When it finally did, Anders tilted Nathaniel's head back gently and kissed him. As their lips met, Anders let his hands glow with a rejuvenation spell. Nathaniel felt the tingles, and tensed slightly as it progressed along his body.

Hungrily, they began to kiss until fear left them both at last. When they parted, Anders let his thumb brush against Nathaniel's soft cheek, trailing along his stubble free jaw and coming to an end at the corner of his always-brooding mouth. His lips, soft and pink, were full. Anders, seeing Nathaniel up close for the first time, noted their shape and form. Their softness, softness not many rogues shared, was equaled by his hands, which were now in his grasp once more. Trailing his arms through them, Anders noted the striking lack of callouses on them. Strange, he thought.

Nathaniel, having never kissed a man before, let Anders touch him, loving the change in his face as his hands wandered. Nathaniel, with a sudden need to feel Anders' skin, pulled at his robes. The robes began to open...

"If only we could..." whispered the mage, untangling his hands from the robes and pulling Nathaniel in a tight embrace. "If only…"

Chapter 5

The next day

Looking at Nathaniel I realized something. The something that was missing, that needed to be said. He sat across from me, avoiding my eyes. Avoiding me all together. The entire day Nathaniel had avoided me, again. Without any good reason, I might add. His rudeness went from annoying to sodding well maddening. Even on patrol he wouldn't speak to me. Our usual chatter- or fighting- was mostly filled with silence, except when I tripped and fell. He'd laughed at me then, but that doesn't count.

"Can we talk?" Nathaniel suddenly whispered to me, eyes staring directly into mine. "Alone."

Hiding a smile, I nodded and followed him out of the hall and into the parlor. _Change of events_, I thought. On the inside I was all jumbles of joy. _He was talking to me! Asking to be alone with me!_

"We have to talk," he said once he closed to door. (are they in the keep? Establish the setting early) The small room, almost as small as a closet, made moving without touching each other difficult. But somehow he stood in front of me, eyeing me with his gray eyes. The eyes that darkened with something as he looked at me.

"What about?" I asked, leaning back against the wall, loving the way his breath caught as I raked my hands through my hair. "Nathaniel?"

"Nate," he corrected.

"Huh?" Hand in mind-air I looked at him, puzzled.

"Call me Nate."

"Alright, Nathaniel, what is going on?" I folded my arms across my chest and stared at him, concerned.

"Last night..."

"What about last night?"

"I... I had a dream," His gray eyes tightened. They seemed to beg for me to understand. _Understand what_?

"After you left my room, you slept and had a dream. Sounds normal enough for me." I pointed out, innocently.

"It was about you." He stared at me with a mixture of shame and want.

"Oh," I replied, slightly shocked. "About me…"

"Yes," He said, sliding down the wall to the floor. He rested his head back against the wall and looked at me. "And it was wrong of me to fantasize about you … in _that_ way."

"In what way, Nathaniel?" I sank down to the floor next to him and turned to look at him. He continued to look forward.

"In that way." He said, as if that made it clearer. His hands clenched at his sides. His long legs stretched in front of him, almost touching mine_. Oh, how I crave to feel his touch. _

"I don't understand," I told him.

"Don't make me say it," He growled.

"I simply don't understand in what way you could possibly mean," I leaned closer and whispered into his ear, "Nate."

His breathing accelerated and he curled his fist on the floor harder. "In the precise way where... you and I … where you were... and I was..."

"I'm going to stop you right there!" Chuckling, I got up and stood up in front of him. "I'm more of a visual person."

"Don't jest," Nathaniel turned his head. "I can't take your jesting."

"Would I jest about this?" I asked him. "I'm not jesting."

"Anders'," He exclaimed harshly. "It was only a dream, a stupid dream made from one of your stupid jokes that came with one of your stupid looks. That is it." I tried not to point out that I neither gave him a 'stupid' look nor was a 'stupid' joke directed his way.

"Yet here you are, sitting in front of me." He looked up at me, slowly. "You (Anders never says sodding in game. That's all Oghren, Sigrun, and the Dwarf Casteless) well know what this position could lead to."

"I shouldn't have told you." Getting up, only to end up right in my face, Nathaniel sighed. "It was a mistake, last night was a mistake."

My breath hitched. He regretted last night? "Last night-"

"Let me pass." He told me, avoiding my eyes.

"Gladly." I stepped aside. When he moved to pass I swiftly sent a spell flying to the door. When he opened it, a shield didn't let him pass.

"Mage!" He yelled. "Anders!"

"Yes?" I sat down on the floor next to the door. "Oh, we seem to be stuck."

"Undo it." A stern look towards me. He was breathing hard.

"I seemed to have forgotten how..." I mused. "Perhaps I need some assistance."

"Anders," Nathaniel sighed, closing the door. If it weren't for the leather obstructing my view, I'd say his sword wanted to assist me. "I don't want this."

"You don't want what?" I asked, stomach twisting in a knot. "What don't you want?"

"I don't want to feel like this." He whispered. "I don't like it."

"And I do?"

"You?" He turned to me. "Karl..."

"Was a friend, we went through the Harrowing together," I laughed. "We were friends."

"You made it sound like," Nathaniel sighed. "It doesn't even matter."

"Stop sighing," I told him. "Its unbecoming."

"And trapping someone is not?"

"Not if it serves a purpose." I said, looking at my nails and swallowing hard. "And this does."

"And what purpose do you serve in keeping me here?"

"Many," I whispered. Nathaniel began to pace around the small room before coming to rest by my feet, once again in the position that made my brows arch.

"Let me out," He commanded.

The deep color of his eyes, his seriousness, was scary. I looked to the door and told him, in a serious voice, "We have to talk about this later." When he nodded, I let the shield disappear. Quickly, too quickly, he walked away, briefly stopping at the door before leaving. A flick of my wrist and it closed.

I sat there, numb. Nathaniel Howe. His name rang sour on my tongue yet made my stomach flutter. The son of the most hated man in Thedas (actually that's not true. It's not even true of Ferelden. Teryn Loghain holds that trophy) had basically declared his love for me last night. And now he regrets it? Well, in as many words he did. The always-broody man became vulnerable around me. Even smiling sometimes. But what made him regret his declaration?

_What am I to do?_ I wondered before exiting the room.


	5. Chapter 5

**RATED: M**

**WARNINGS: Smut, M/M**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6<strong>

Walking towards Anders' room, as he had months before, Nathaniel sighed. What was he doing here? Why was he walking to the room of the man who was the subject of his wet dreams? Wet dreams that left his dazed and flustered in the morning. the kind of dreams that had once sent forced his father to send him to Kirkwall.

He took slow, times step counting them, memorizing the number for later use. His room was 175 steps from the hall where Anders slept. Breathing in heavily, he continued counting. _176…177… 178…_

"Where are you going?" Heon asked as Nathaniel passed his room. "Its late." Heon opened his bedroom door widely and leaned against the doorframe. His tanned chest was exposed, as was everything below his mid thighs. If Nathaniel wasn't so smitten with Anders he might have been having wet dreams about his commander.

"I have to speak to Anders," Nathaniel said, squaring his shoulders. "It regards patrol tomorrow."

"Oh, alright." Heon said before retreating back into his room.

"What am I doing?" he repeated to himself as he continued counting. _He's probably asleep soundly, _he thought_. Maker knows how much that mage sleeps. Eats a lot too._

Upon the door at last, Nathaniel sighed as he has months ago, before knocking. A silence filled the room. He knocked again and nothing. Fearing something was wrong he checks the door. Locked. His rogue instincts took over. First assessing the state of the door, no marks, then pressing his ear against the door. Softly he could hear someone saying his name.

Anders!

Taking out the pack he kept in case of emergencies, Nathaniel got to work on the lock silently. Seconds later it clicked. Taking a deep breath and unlatching his blades from their place, Nathaniel opened the door.

Instead of an intruder, Nathaniel saw Anders lying in bed... working on himself. His hand moved round and cupped his. He saw his hand move to his flaccid cock, rolling and stoking, moving the foreskin up and back. Nathaniel stiffened as Anders grip on himself became tighter, his movements more brisk. Anders started to pant lightly. Suddenly Anders began to smirk and Nathaniel feared he'd been coughed. But Anders began to stroke himself with more purpose, pausing to thumb his head and let his fingers ripple over his shaft. Nathaniel could see that he was very close to climax, his cock swelling even more in his hand, slick with his fluids. For a moment, Nathaniel was spell bound. Anders' hands moved quickly on himself, quicker that Nathaniel thought possible. Anders quietly saying his name as he rubbed himself in pleasure. The pleasure that Nathaniel wanted to give him desperately. His eyes traced the lines of Anders' body, his muscular body, before coming to rest on Anders' hands wrapped around his member. He felt himself harden watching Anders.

Then- as the mages lithe tan body, twitched when he met his release -their eyes met. Wide eyed, Nathaniel turned around and muttered, "Sorry!"

"Maker!" he exclaimed once outside. "Oh, maker!"

*Anders*

I scrambled out of bed when I saw Nathaniel in my room. Covering myself I ran after him and yelled, "It is not what it seemed!" but all I saw was his back as he turned the corner of the hall. Oh, maker, I prayed, make him un-see that! But I knew, even with all his divine powers he couldn't do that.

"I'll just have to explain in the morning..." I told myself. "He will understand... I hope."

I lay back down, after locking the door and pushing the dresser against it, on my bed. Sprawled out, comfortably so, I tried to get some sleep. Failing miserably, I resigned myself to dreaming. The first dream, bloody Templars everywhere soon turned into a no-no when a celebration ensued and Nathaniel and I 'celebrated'. The next one, the defeat of the Darkspawn turned sour even quicker.

At last I surrendered to one. The Fade had a point though: my mind was on Nathaniel. Ever since last month when he basically declared his 'care' for me, I haven't been able to think of nothing but. At grub time, my eyes wander to him, unwillingly. The moment he looked up, my heart fluttered. When he turns away and leaves, it stops. He knew or at least I hope he knows how I feel. With Nathaniel in my mind, I drift back into the Fade.

{Next day}

"And that line actually works?" Sigrun asked incredulously.

"Of course it does!" I exclaimed. "Watch."

Miraculously, Nathaniel walked by. "Hey, Nate." I called out. "Question for you."

"Mage." He grunted out. Pink began to spread over his cheeks. "Dwarf."

"Hey." Sigrun replied.

"Did it hurt?" I asked, keeping my face in check.

"What?" He asked confused.

"When you fell from heaven? The Maker must be sad because he's missing his most beautiful angels."

"Mage!" Nathaniel, amused and embarrassed, grabbed me by my robes and pulled me away from the table.

"I told you it worked!" I yelled back to Sigrun. "Um, If I'm not back... call for back up!"

He dragged me to parlor room before letting me go. Pacing, the strange way that he does, looking at you and mumbling to himself, Nathaniel finally stood still.

"It was a joke." I explained. "A pick up line I was showing Sigrun. She thought it wouldn't work."

"It didn't."

"Yet here we are... alone." I pointed out.

"Mage-"

"My name is Anders." I interrupted, relaxing on the sofa. "Anders not mage."

"Fine, Anders." Nathaniel leaned on the wall. "How about we have a civil conversation?"

"What about?" I asked.

"You tell me." Nathaniel sat down in front of me.

"I want to talk about your dream." I told him, loving the way pink spread about in his cheeks.

"What dream?"

"Justice and I have gotten close," I told him.

"What doe-" I raised my hand to stop him.

"He told me that a few weeks ago, he heard you moaning my name."

"Anders'," Nathaniel said. "I never dreamt about you."

Before I could help it, I slumped down on the seat defeated. My heart constricted while my eyes filled with unwanted tears. This could've been a great conversation, embarrassing if not entertaining. I stood up with a huff before the tears fell. Nathaniel stood up just as quickly and his hand came up as if to stop me. I looked at it, hoping he would stop me. But he didn't, putting his hand down he looked at me, sadness suddenly flashed in his eyes.

"I'll be at the bar," I muttered as I left him. "Getting plastered and forgetting about you," I said, still with in Nathaniel's ear shot, bitterly.

Chapter 7

*Nathaniel*

"Slow down there, Sparkle-fingers," Ohgren said, patting Anders' back with his chubby hand.

"You... you don't tell me what to do you... you... dwarf!" The mage brilliantly replied.

Nathaniel slid in quietly into the tavern and into the far corner, far enough to be able to listen but not too close as to be spotted, and observed Anders. After Anders left, Nathaniel had made the decision of telling him how he felt... but what he felt was still undecided. He had wanted to tell him this that day, in Anders' room, a month ago. The feel of Anders' lips on his, his touch, never left his thoughts. The slight rejection didn't either. After opening his heart up to Anders, something he rarely did, he had been rejected. Not so much in words, but Anders removing his hands from disengaging his robes was rejection enough.

The next night, when Anders tried to talk to him in Heon's office, Nathaniel had returned the curtsey. Heart beating fast, Nathaniel stared at the book in his hands. Ignoring Anders who leaned against the door in only a towel, Nathaniel turned that page and sighed. Then Anders strode in happily and Nathaniel cringed as he noticed the towel Anders wore was tied on, rather loose, on the mage's slim hips.

_ "Anders? What are do you want?" He'd said, moving only an inch from his seat, resisting the strong urge to look at Anders. _

_ "I came to talk," the mage replied with a smirk, "or not." _

_ "What about, Mage? I don't have all night."_

_ "About," moving in front of him and taking the book he was reading, he leaned down on Nathaniel and placed his hands on either side of his hips, "us."_

_ "Us?" He repeated, gulping. "There is no 'us'."_

_ "Exactly."_

_ Nathaniel looked away from him, his eyes briefly looking at the towel that seemed to want to slip off. Oh, Maker, Nathaniel told himself. If slips off, I don't know what I'll do. "What do you want?"_

_ "Why isn't there an 'us'?" Anders asked. _

_ "Why would there be an 'us'?"_

_ "Well, apart from my stunning good looks and killer hair..." Nathaniel smirked, "I don't know."_

_ "Well, mage, when you figure this out, be sure to tell me." Nathaniel picked his book back up and opened it. _

_ "No," Anders said as he grabbed it out of his hands and threw it at the windows, "we have to talk about this."_

_ "No, we do not," Nathaniel insisted, "we have nothing to talk about."_

_ "Nate."_

_ "Don't call me that!" _

He pushed him away and left to the room. He'd avoided Anders for a while but the sodding mage was everywhere! The feeling had intensified last night, when he'd walked in on him. Nathaniel had ran to his room, his armor suddenly feeling too tight, and taken a bath. A very pleasing bath. Nathaniel had never seen a mage in such a good shape as Anders was. Physically, they would probably be equals. His thoughts, as always, lingered on Anders. He was in the bath for a long time, and stiffening sounds came out of his mouth as he imagined Anders on his bed, over and over again.

"I love that rogue," Anders told Oghren, "sodding love him."

"I'm sure Heon loves you too." Oghren replied, taking another sip. He, surprisingly, wasn't as drunk as Anders.

"No, not Heon" Anders replied, pushing Oghren. When the dwarf fell, he laughed so much he fell himself.

Oh, Anders. Nathaniel contemplated helping him up, but decided against it. Instead, keeping an ear open for more conversation, he looked around the bar. It wasn't as nice as the Gnawed Noble Tavern in Denerim, but it served good ale. A few off-duty Templars were drunk in the opposite table from Anders and Oghren. Surprised that Anders was this close to Templars, Nathaniel kept an eye on them before hearing something that sparked his interest.

"I was dreaming of him," Anders said, between hiccups. "when he caught me touching my-" he motioned with his hand.

"I'm gonna stop you right there, Sparkle-fingers! It's one thing to be drunk, and another to be drunk." The dwarf said, getting up, "I'll see you back at the Keep."

"Fine," Anders yelled picking up his cup and taking a giant sip from it, "I don't need you."

Taking his ale-filled mug with him, Nathaniel approached Anders' table slowly. Seeing him approach, Anders lifted his mug to drink and... kept it there, as if it would hide him from Nathaniel. Nathaniel looked at him carefully. He wasn't this childish when he was sober... or maybe he just never noticed it.

Taking a drink from his own cup, Nathaniel stared at Anders. His robe was becoming unfastened the more he stared, or so it seemed. His blond hair was darker and slicker than usual, and a tangled mess. His features; strongish jaw, his nose, and the high cheekbones were dirty and stained with... tears?

"Anders," chuckling at Anders ability to remain still for so long, Nathaniel reached for Anders' arm and pulled it down, "you are drunk."

"Well, thank you for your fine assessment," the mage replied with a smirk.

"How many drinks have you had?" Nathaniel asked counting the bottles that lay on the table and the floor, "Thirteen? Maker's breath!"

"Shut up!" Anders said suddenly. "You have no right to care."

Nathaniel frowned. Do I? He asked himself. Just because I am.. What ever it is that I am with him... do I have the right to force myself into his life? Slowly, Nathaniel said, "You're drunk."

"Well, thank yo- oh," Anders giggled, "I said that already..."

"Yes," replied the rogue, "let's get you home."

"No," the mage pouted.

"Cute." Nathaniel told him. Anders' cheeks reddened when he reiterated, "Very cute."

"I love you," Anders said standing up- and then falling back when he couldn't get his foot out. He tried to get up and ended up right back on his back. Nathaniel looked around, the Templars looked at him and at Anders.

"Anders!" Nathaniel circled around and helped him up. "Put your arm around my shoulder. We have to get out of here before the Templars get any wiser."

"No," Anders replied, once again pouting.

"Do it," commanded Nathaniel, "now."

"Nah," Anders pushed away from him, "I wanna stay."

"You are so childish!"

"Am not!"

"Anders," Nathaniel said his voice deep, "I'm taking you home one way or the other."

Indignantly, Anders leaned back onto Nathaniel, his arms around his shoulder. Nathaniel worried they'd attract attention, so he put his hands around Anders' small waist and pulled him to the door. As they left the tavern, Nathaniel pulled Anders closer to him. Anders sighed and tried to pull away, but Nathaniel would have none of that and pulled him back, harshly.

I'm tired," complained Anders a few blocks off, "I'm sleepy too."

"Shut up and walk," Nathaniel replied slowing down a bit.

"No," Anders said stopping completely, "I wanna sleep!"

"Later at the Keep," Nathaniel told him trying to pull him and failing, "Maker, you're strong."

"I'm sleepy," he repeated, sinking to the floor with a "humph".

"Maker help me, Anders!" Nathaniel sank to the floor and grabbed on to the mage by his waist. Anders stretched his arms out, looking intently at his fingers, eyelids drooping, and walked slowly. The walk to the Keep would take some time, especially at this pace. Maker only knows how the sodding dwarf gets back.

"There," Anders said, pointing to a door a few steps away.

"What?" Nathaniel asked, getting closer to the spot. " A brothel? You want to visit a brothel?"

"Sleep..." Anders said pulling away from Nathaniel and walking to the door. Quickly Nathaniel went after him, and shook his head as he found Anders slumped over a chair, head on the table, his arse sticking in the air.

"Maker..." he whispered.

"Oi! You"ll have to pay for that!" said a red headed woman, coming up to him and pointing at Anders and his arse.

"Is it possible for us to get a room?" Nathaniel asked, rubbing his forehead. "Just for the night."

"He is not one of mine, is he?" the hostess asked.

"Oh, no!" Nathaniel exclaimed. " We are grey wardens. We were out celebrating and he drank too much."

"Uh-uh," replied the woman, eyeing him suspiciously, "it'll cost ya."

"No problem," Nathaniel walked over to Anders and searched his pockets.

"Careful with the goods..." he thought he heard Anders say as he reached in to take his money sack. Returning to the woman, he counted out 5 sovereigns, while her eyes grew wide. "A private room, far off if you have one."

"Oh, sure, hon," she replied, taking the money and smiling, "privacy is our best service." She led them to a room out back and departed with a "have fun".

"Sleep with me," Anders whispered in his ear, hands coming around the young howe's waist, pulling him close. He could feel Anders need, the need he had dreamt so much about, on his back.

"You are drunk, Anders!" he stepped out of the embrace and was promptly pulled back. "Anders!"

"Sleep with me," the mage repeated.

"Mage," Nathaniel exclaimed pulling the arms away from him. "I don't want to sleep with you." I need to sleep with you!

As if hearing his thoughts, Anders turned Nathaniel to face him, moments before crashing their lips together. Nathaniel moaned at the feel of Anders' lips against his. His hands gripped Nathaniel's side, and pulled him up when Anders locked his legs around his waist. His back slammed against the door, their teeth knocked together, giving a passage for Nathaniel's tongue to enter Anders' mouth. Leaving his mouth, much to the rogues' displeasure, Anders kissed his neck, gently tracing his throat, stopping at his pulse. Keeping himself balanced by using the door handle, Nathaniel pulled at Anders' robes. Pulling him back into a kiss and setting him down, Nathaniel's hands roamed the mages taut, lean body. Anders was still, slightly moaning, his hands on Nathaniel's slim waist, as he kissed his warm chest before crashing their lips together again.

Pushing further back Anders' robes, Nathaniel pulled back intending to remove the belt that was causing him pain when he found his hands moving to Anders' arousal. Pressing his finger over it, eliciting a raspy moan from the mage, he pushed him to the wall and kissed him passionately. Hands working on his belt, Nathaniel felt Anders' hands slip into his trousers. His soft hands met his flesh and by the maker did it feel good! Throwing his head back, he buried his hands in Anders' hair before pulling him into yet another kiss. A growl, deep within him, surfaced as Anders moved his hand faster. Removing his hands suddenly, Anders looked at Nathaniel wide eyed before bunching up his shirt and placing hit kisses against his collar bone. His nails digging into Anders' scalp, he lead them to the bed where he pushed Anders onto it before stretching himself on top. Both hands cupping his face, Nathaniel was leaned down on the bed with gentle hands.

Taking his shirt and pants off, Nathaniel cried out as Anders trailed his warm tongue down his abdomen, fallowing the taut lines of his muscles and finally stopping in front of his member, hot breathe making him feel a pleasure never before felt. Sliding his thumb over it, Anders licked his lips in anticipation. Nathaniel on the other hand, shook with want but pulled Anders away. Anders, sly as a fox, slid his hands to his back and gently drew his finger over Nathaniel tight entrance. Gasping, Nathaniel bit his lip at the pain. The pain soon reseated as Anders hands glowed with his healing magic. Moments later he felt a tip his entrance, shocked at Anders ability to just stop, Nathaniel placed his hands on the small of his back to encourage him. Taking the hint, the no longer drunk mage, pushed in slowly. Finger nails digging into Anders back, Nathaniel arched as he began to rock with pleasure. Each thrust, achingly slow, made both men groan. As they reached their peak, Anders gripped Nathaniel as they moved and soon, like a symphony, they cried out at the same time.

Anders slipped out of him and kissed him softly. Pulling back, a string of saliva connecting their red lips, Anders fell of the bed. Laughing, Nathaniel stretched. Never before had he felt this way. Happy and free. Anders was what he had needed all along. All these years of sadness and loneliness where gone all because of this Mage. His Mage. Anders, the one person who saw the real him, not the brooding self-loathing him everyone else saw.

Reaching Down to help Anders up, Nathaniel gasp as he saw him curled up in a ball, sobbing quietly.

"Anders!" Not caring about his nakedness, Nathaniel stood up and went to his lover. Looping his arm around Anders waist, he pulled him back up onto the bed and covered him with blankets before laying down next to him. Placing gentle kisses on the mage's cheeks, Nathaniel wiped his tears away and frowned. What had he done? Had he harmed him?

"Nate..." Anders whispered.

"I'm here," Nathaniel coed, caressing his cheek with his thumb, tracing Anders' high cheekbones. "What's wrong, Anders?"

"Nothing... I-" his eyes clouded over and he began to pull away. "no!"

"Anders!" Nathaniel was pushed back as the Mage broke free from his hold and crawled to the corner, as far away from Nathaniel as possible. Weakly, Nathaniel stood, heart on his sleeve and asked, " do wish me to leave?"

Without wasting a breath, the Mage choked out a, "yes!" and continued to sob quietly in his corner.

Nathaniel, shocked and numb, gathered his clothes and quickly changed into them. "I'll be leaving now," he announced, giving the mage one last chance, "Are you sure you want me gone?"

"Leave! Get out!" the Mage replied, pointing to the door with his forefinger. As he left, Nathaniel thought he heard him say, "Nathaniel will protect me," but shook his head. The Mage had just told him to get out... How would he protect him now?


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 8

{The Next Day}

*Nathaniel*

Sitting down on the seat, heavily, Nathaniel motioned for the bartender with his hand. The bartender ignored him and turned away. As Nathaniel stood, he felt someone behind him. Shakily, he turned and saw the commander.

He turned back to Heon and shook his head. " Go away."

"I've had complaints," Heon told him. "about a Gray Warden drinking his arse off. And I came down here, quite certain, that these complaints were faulty."

"Go away," Nathaniel repeated. "Let me be."

"So I head down here and what do I find?" he asked, sitting down. "I find a sniveling, dirty and drunk rogue that resembles my senior Gray warden, Nathaniel, who went missing according to Anders."

"Anders..." Nathaniel repeated before drinking from his cup.

"Yes," Heon said, slowly. "Either tell me what is going on or prepared to be dragged back."

"I don't want to talk about it," Nathaniel slurred out. "I don't- just don't."

"Fin-"

"It's the Mage," Nathaniel interrupted loudly. "He is... not good."

"Not good?" Heon raised an eyebrow. "As in blood magic?"

"No!" Nathaniel yelled. "Not-no blood magic."

"Then what?" Heon asked, signaling to the bartender to bring him a cup of ale. "Tell me everything."

"It is very complicated," Nathaniel told him, pushing his own ale away.

"Tell me," Heon commanded. "I'm more understanding than most."

"Not about this." Heon looked at Nathaniel for a long time. Deep down, Nathaniel knew Heon would understand. It was his way, understanding and calm.

"Did I ever tell you about Zevran," Nathaniel shook his head,"my lover?"

"You-" Nathaniel chocked out, "lover?"

Heon nodded and smiled. "He is in Antiva right now... I miss him dearly."

"Perhaps you will understand," Nathaniel muttered, thanking the Maker that he was correct.

And so he told Heon everything, starting from the beginning, when Anders was first brought in. He described how the way Anders moved, so languid and confident, had attracted his attention. The way he talked, lazily and happy, had been a sharp contrast in his gloomy world. Anders' mannerism and humor soon made his heart beat whenever they were together. He told him about those nights, almost every night it seemed, when he would lie awake thinking of him. His dark eyes, high cheeks and hauntingly full lips gave him un-holy dreams. His strong, muscular arms that flexed when ever he threw a spell or pushed his golden hair back from his face.

All the while, Heon listened patiently. He nodded and sometimes even agreed to Nathaniel's musings. He never looked disgusted or ashamed, never once did nothing but sadness cross his face. Nathaniel told him what happened only hours before, what he had told himself hundreds of times.

He told him what they had done, the things they had done. Everything he could, drunkly, remember. He told him his hopes for their future: their union as a couple and perhaps later, as more.

"Talk to him," Heon advised. "I'm sure there is an explanation."

"I can't-"

"Yea, you can." Heon paused. "Do you know the conditions of the Tower in Fereldan?"

"No," Nathaniel shook his head.

"Perhaps you should ask him," Heon said. "when you return to the Keep."

"I won't be..." Nathaniel said before looking up at Heon, who was shaking his head. "I'll be there soon."

"I'll expect you by morning."

As Heon left, Nathaniel tried to remember what he had heard about the Tower. His mind was too jumbled from the hours of drinking, and so he laid his head down and sighed. Anders... He is worth it, he decided. Standing up, he straightened himself and looked down at his day-old clothes. He had to get to the Keep and change... And lie down. His vision blurred as he took a step towards the door. Realizing that he had left his weapons in the brothel, Nathaniel headed back to it and made it as far as the hall when his heart constricted. Anders had laid in the room. He couldn't face him or the room, not after what happened. He turned back when the redhead from before stopped him.

"Hey, Hun," she said before producing a bag of money. "you dropped this last night." He took the bag, Anders' bag, and muttered a thank you before leaving.

Returning to the tavern, he emptied out the money sack and fell asleep in the floor of the tavern. He woke up, though, out back in the mud, but he simply got comfortable and went back to sleep. He woke up hours later with a sore back and a sodding big headache. He stood and, after checking the time, went back to the Keep, arriving at midnight.

He crawled into his room, after silently and skillfully avoiding the other Wardens. He locked the door and made it so no one could open it, then laid down to rest. He was going to take Heon's advice, after a good nights' sleep. Undressing, Nathaniel laid down on the bed and sighed. Mind still buzzing, he tried to keep his breathing controlled as the memories resurfaced. Painful memories. Guilty memories. Memories of his father's rejection, Anders rejection.

{Meanwhile...}

*Anders*

"Anders!" Heon yelled as he entered the hall, an angry expression on his face. What did I do now? I thought to myself as I stopped walking.

"Yes, Commander?"

"I found Nathaniel," he said, "he will be back here in no time."

"I hope."

"I suggest you talk to him when he does return."

"Of course I will." I said nodding. As Heon walked away, I held back the urge to ask where he was. As I turn back, Heon yelled, "Perhaps if you explained what happened, Nathaniel will understand. " With a knowing smile, he walked away. Understand what?

I was headed to my room to bathe when I saw a light coming from Nathaniel's room. Heart beating, I approached the room and placed a hand on the door trying to feel Nathaniel's presence. And by Andraste's tits, I felt it!

"Nathaniel?" I asked pushing into the door. "Nathaniel, are you in there? It's Anders."

The light turned off.

"Nate," I whispered between the cracks of the door. "I have to talk to you. I need to explain what happened."

"Give him a chance to rest," Heon's voice said behind me.

"Maker! You scared me!"

"Rogue," Heon said pointing to himself. "Go to bed. In the morning bring him breakfast."

I nodded and forced my legs to follow him to the other side of the Keep, to my room. Walking into my own room, I put down my stave and began to remove my robe. My sore body pleaded for a hot bath, but my mind wanted sleep. My mind demanded sleep. Dropping my robe on the floor, I laid down on the bed and closed my eyes. Flashes! Flashes of last night, the wonderful night with Nathaniel, mixed in with the horrific nights in confinement in the Tower. Tears formed and clouded my vision as I sat up on my bed. _Those flashes are what caused Nathaniel to leave me_, I thought sadly. They were to blame, not me and certainly not him.

The flashes of the bight in that Maker forsaken tower, trapped in its base, deep under ground, still haunted my dreams. _How many mages have suffered?_ I always asked myself as I was "led" there by the Templars. _How many more will suffer?_ Sure, any Mage can handle a couple of rough templars, a couple of unwanted touches. But no mage, no matter how powerful, can handle being alone for days on end in a windowless room. Not even the first enchanter could resist the temptation of a demon promising day light for a few drops of blood, while in that room the Templars call confinement. I was one of the few to neither go mad nor succumb to blood magic. No, I had other things on my mind while in that pit, like escaping the tower and moving as far away from Fereldan as possible.

But even now, free from the tower, I know I can never truly escape it. It haunts me, day in and day out. The tower, that room, I'll never escape them. Not even when I try to be happy, I'll never be happy.

I turn in my bed until I am comfortable enough to sleep, but as I close my eyes I feel the walls closing in on me. I feel them suffocating, crushing me. My vision clouds just as it had before, and all I see is that room. That terrifyingly lonely room! Rapidly, I get up from my bed and light the candle. Breathing heavily, I look around. It's my bed, my spacious room, I assure myself before lying back, candle in hand. I put it out only to light it a moment later when the room closes in on me.

"Oh, maker!" I yell pulling of the covers off and getting up. Grabbing my robe and tying it, I leave my room unsure of where to go. I end up outside Nathaniel's room. I sit down on the cold floor and lean my head back. _Nathaniel_, I repeat over and over in my head. My breathing slows and my body relaxes. _It's going to be all right_, I imagine him saying as he holds me against his strong, warm chest. His arms protectively around me, his breathe in my hair as he whispers soothing words to me...

Chapter 9

*Nathaniel*

The feel of Anders' skin against his own felt like nothing else on Earth. The feel of his hands trailing down his body, down to his desire, was nothing compared to the way he felt when their eyes locked. The way the mage's unwavering brown eyes looked at him with that intense yet kind look that frightened, and excited, Nathaniel to his core. And nothing could compare to the way he had touched him that night at the brothel.

Nathaniel held on to those memories as he sat with his back to the door every night and listened to Anders talk. His talk, ranging from the obscure to the most emotional. From the obscene to the his humorous view on the world. Nathaniel sat every night and listened, memorizing the tone of his voice voice. Taking to memory the Mage's laugh and imitations.

He knew that on the other side of the door that he was leaning on was Anders. On the other side were the answers to his questions. But he couldn't bring himself to open that door and face the Mage. What was he supposed to say? I'm sorry I ran out on you but I couldn't stand seeing you cry and pushing me away? No, nonsense. Anders would be heart broken, the sensitive man that he is.

"I dream of you," Anders said one night. "I dream back to that night at the brothel. I can remember every little thing that happened. I remember the feel of your skin on mine, the feel of you mouth on my neck, the way your lips kissed mine. Oh, Nathaniel. It's like I am a Spector in that room. Watching what we did, over and over and over again. It eats me on the inside not being able to touch you again. Feel you against me..." holding in what Nathaniel guessed were sobs, Anders leaned back on the door with a thud. "I miss you so much."

Now, walking to the mess hall to join the other Gray Wardens for dinner, Nathaniel's heartbeat increased with every step. Taking a breath, he opened the door and took a seat. Heon, sitting sideways with his feet up on the table, almost choked seeing him. "Nathaniel!" Heon yells out. Nathaniel nods and looks away. As his food is placed on his plate, Nathaniel feels a chill. As he begins to eat, Nathaniel feels something- someone- touching his thigh. Looking down slowly, Nathaniel sees a hand on his thigh, stroking him, and follows it up to its owner. As their eyes meet, Nathaniel feels himself go red. Anders.

Taking a breath to stabilize his breathing, Nathaniel pushes the hand away and turns back to his dinner. But a moment later, he is being stroked again. This time it is in his inner thigh. Looking around before reaching down and removing the hand once more, Nathaniel gives Anders a death glare. _Not here, not ever_, he tries to tell the Mage. But the mage, not receiving the full message, smiles. After a moment, Nathaniel scoots away from Anders, but the Mage just moves in after him. _A week of missing you, _Nathaniel says to himself, _and already I can't stand being around you._

As he picks up his cup to take a drink of what Heon calls 'the best wine Antiva has to offer', Nathaniel feels the hand again. But, even if he had all the control in the world, Nathaniel could not control the noise that came out of him as Anders brushed his fingertips on Nathaniel's swollen bulge, making him cough up, and spill, the expensive wine a moment later. Anders chuckles at Nathaniel reactions and before Nathaniel can say anything, he sees that everyone's eyes are on him.

"Are you alright, Nathaniel?" Heon's voice comes from the end of the table. "You moaned for a second there..."

"This wine is very good," Nathaniel replies, his face as red as a beet. "Excuse me commander, I must change."

As Heon nods and everyone returns to their conversations, Nathaniel gets up to leave. Heading to his room, Nathaniel stops as he hears someone following him. Hiding in a corner, Nathaniel waits for his stalker. Anders comes around corner. _Of course,_ Nathaniel mutters to himself. Letting Anders walk ahead, Nathaniel follows behind quietly to his room.

"What do you want Anders?" The rogue asks as Anders tries to open the door.

"Maker, Nate!" Anders exclaimed clutching his heart. "Do you enjoy scaring me half to death?"

"What do want?"

"You're back," the Mage says happily. Nathaniel nods and moves to open his door but Anders' arm blocks the way, "can we talk?"

"Of course," Nathaniel replied with a grin. "What about?"

"Well since we are lovers-"

"We are not," Nathaniel replied as they entered his room. Shutting the door behind Anders, Nathaniel sees the hurt in his eyes. "We are not lovers, you made that clear."

"When did I do that?" The mage asked, confused. "I do not recall any such event."

"The same night we-" voice cracking, Nathaniel swallowed before continuing. "You threw me out, Anders."

"About that," Anders replied taking a step towards Nathaniel. Flashes of the night in the brothel swarm Nathaniel's mind. Flashes of clothing flying, skin rubbing against skin... of Anders crying.

"Explain why you broke my heart with those three words." Nathaniel sat down on the bed, waiting.

"Things, in my head, went bad. I don't war to tell you, Nate. What if you get disgusted or leave or-"

"I'll never leave," Nathaniel told him sternly. "Don't you trust me?"

"It's not that. I trust you too much, I think. Which is why I can't tell you. You have to trust me, Nate. Trust that I have a good reason for keeping this from you."

"Tell me, Anders. I beg you," Nathaniel said softly. "I can't take the word of the man that threw me out on the happiest day of my life. I can't."

"Nate..." Anders looked down at Nathaniel, breathing slowly. If he was going to do this, recall everything, he'd need strength. "Fine."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 10

*Nathaniel*

Turning the corner into the barracks, Nathaniel sighed. _What am I doing_, he asked himself. _Why am I always the one to beg? He doesn't beg, Anders doesn't beg_. Scoffing at himself for being so weak, Nathaniel made his way to Anders' room. Stopping, as he always seemed to do, to catch his breath, Nathaniel raised his hand to knock but didn't, his breath caught in his throat. Anders, the man who promised to share his terrible past. Anders, the man who bailed out on him the next day to go on a 2 week trek to Antiva. Anders, the man who returned without a word.

Nathaniel had been jogging along the wood with the recruits when the party had arrived. When Heon's assistant informed Nathaniel of their return, Nathaniel had been happier than he had been in two weeks. He'd ran back, without a stop, back to the Keep in record time... only to find out Anders wasn't with them. Upset, he asked Heon where Anders was. Heon told him not to worry. "Anders, being our only competent healer," he shot a look at Valena who walked away in a huff. "had to stay behind to help a few people." After excusing himself, he went to his room and grabbed the nearest object and hurled it to the wall. Yelling into a pillow, he sat down on his bed. The feeling in his stomach, the one that had plagued him since Anders' unexpected departure, was more present than ever. _Anders, that sodding mage is trying to run away from me, from my prying._

_ Now there was no way the mage could escape_. Nathaniel had ensured that. Finally getting the nerve to knock, he waited for a response.

"Come in, if you must."

Once he turned the doorknob and stepped inside, that awful sinking feeling died. It crippled and dies as he saw Anders wearing only a pair of pants, the pair Nathaniel had gifted him for his birthday a few weeks ago. Everywhere Nathaniel looked he saw nothing but toned muscles. His relaxed posture changed as Anders turned. His usually semi shaved face was bearded!

"Don't even look at me!" Anders exclaimed covering his face. "I'm hideous!"

Holding in laughter, Nathaniel took a step towards him. Removing his hands from his face, Nathaniel looked at the man standing before him. Still the same happy go lucky man he was before, if a little more hairier. "Not a natural blond are you?" He asked as he brought a hand up to caress the hairy cheek of his-what are they?- lover.

"Nathaniel," the mage blushed deeply. "There was no shaving-"

"I think it makes you look more... wise." Nathaniel mused, unconsciously taking a step forward. "It doesn't matter to me. Not as long as your here."

"I'm sorry. It was really-" Tired of this talking, which was returning the strange feeling to his stomach, Nathaniel closed the space between them by pulling Anders to him. Lips crashing, their teeth clanking softly, Nathaniel ran his hands up and down Anders hard body. The feel of him, by the Maker there was nothing better in all of Thedas. Just as Nathaniel was about to undo his breeches, Anders pulled away. Foreheads pressed against each other, their breath blowing in each other faces, Anders said, "I've missed this." Noting he said 'this' and not 'you', Nathaniel furrowed a brow.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"Nate..." Anders said pulling away. "I can't be with you."

Taking a step back, shocked, Nathaniel said, "What are you talking about?"

"I was … foolish to think we could be together."

"What are you talking about?" Nathaniel repeated. "You left without word and now this?"

"Its not about … that," Anders said, running his hands through his beard. "I better shave this off before I start liking it." He stared at Nathaniel expecting him to leave. But Nathaniel moved around him and sat on the bed, waiting. With a grunt, Anders went to shave in the corner by the reflecting glass.

Meanwhile, Nathaniel leaned back on the bed hands behind his head and thought. What apart from the ridiculous beard- could have changed? Ser Pounce-A-lot bounced on the bed and inclined its head against Nathaniel. Before he would have pushed him away, but now he found himself indulging the cat by scratching his furry ears. These little things, they were the result of Anders. He'd changed him. For better or for worse, he did not know.

He looked over at Anders who was leaning into the reflecting glass in deep concentration. His hairy face was half gone. Nothing had changed about him physically, nothing he could see at least. His body, Maker that body, was the same if anything it was harder and tanner. His hair, a darker shade of yellow, was a mess but tied back. His eyes were more tired though. Their usual light was burnt out.

Taking a chance, Nathaniel stood and walked over to Anders. Wrapping his hands around the Mage's waist, Nathaniel snugged against him. His head on Anders shoulder, he kissed his ear lobe. Anders and his lack of control, rolled his eyes back in pleasure as Nathaniel traced his neck with kisses. Dropping his razor, Anders turned around and pulled Nathaniel closer. Raising his head to meet his own, Anders kissed Nathaniel fiercely. Hands buried in Anders' hair, Nathaniel pushed Anders into the wall with a crash with his hips. Anders, unresisting, suddenly pulled away. For a moment, Nathaniel thought he would be pushed away. Instead, Anders- with a fiery look in his eyes- pulled Nathaniel to him, hip to hip. Pressed up against Nathaniel as he was against the wall, Anders could feel the bulge forming in Nate's breeches. Smiling, he traced the length of his hands. Nate tightened his fingers in Anders' hair as he pulled the mage into another kiss, crushing their lips together fiercely.

Suddenly, Anders pushed Nathaniel away. Still kissing, Nathaniel took the hint and quickly stripped himself of his clothing before they reached the bed. Anders with his never ending buttons, took a while longer. But Nathaniel didn't want to waste time, instead he pulled Anders robes to his hips. For two weeks, Maker longer, he'd waited for Anders. Nothing, _Nothing,_ was going to keep him away. The hunger that Nathaniel had seen in Anders' eyes was still there. Always one for control, Nathaniel found himself moaning as Anders propped himself up on one elbow and slowly ran his hand over his body. Fingers trailed across his chest, arms, and thighs as Anders pulled him into a tender kiss. The kiss deepened as Anders hand came to rest on Nathaniel's hardened length and began slowly stroking it. Nathaniel moaned as he arched up into Anders' touch. He almost groaned when Anders' hand left his body.

"We can't," Anders said, swinging his legs over the bed. "I've-"

"You've what?"

"I was... unfaithful to you," Anders admitted, head down. "I slept with someone while I we were in Antiva."

"You what?" Feeling his heart stop, Nathaniel pulled his clothes on and moved around the bed to face Anders. "Tell me what you did."

"I was with this... mage."

"Go on," Nathaniel told him crouching down on the floor. Pulling Anders' chin up to meet his eyes, Nathaniel repeated, "Go on."

"There is nothing to go on about. I slept with him and then we departed."

"Is this-" Nathaniel gulped. "Is this why you stayed behind?"

"No, I was helping the wounded."

"Anders," _I can't believe I am going to say this._ "It doesn't matter. I forgive you."

"It-what?" Anders looked up, surprised. "Did you not hear me?"

"I heard you," Nathaniel said standing. "And I don't care."

"Nate you-" Anders began before Nathaniel pushed him back against the bed and cradled him.

"You have changed me, Mage." Nathaniel told him, sitting on his lap. "Before I would have punched you in the face and left here in a huff. But now, I can't. I can't hurt you."

"I wish you would," Anders said sadly. "I owe you an explanation, do I not?"

"Yes," Nathaniel got off Anders' lap. "you do."

"I want to apologize first off."

"There is nothing to apologize for," Nathaniel assured him with a smile. _When did I begin to smile?_

"The tower stands in the center of lake Calenhad. it's impressive and towering hight was meant to show it could control what laid inside. I arrived at the tower around age 7, or so Irving- the First Enchanter- told me. I was caught one night after separating from my parents in the woods. The Templars came, shiny metal and all, and dragged me away and before I could yell out for help, they drained my powers using Dispel and gagged me. When I awoke I was in a wagon, my hands had been tied behind my back to keep me from using magic. For a long time I tried to get loose and when I finally did I lunged myself out of the wagon and into the road. I ran for it, completely untying myself as I ran. I didn't get far, though. I hid in the first barn I saw and unfortunately that was the first place they looked. I was dragged out of there kicking and screaming. The owners if the barn came out and pleaded to the Templars to stay. They were the first people I who helped me. The Templars stayed after the couple promised them a hearty meal for each of them.

It was a few hours later before I tried to escape again. The couple salvaged a plate for me and with a knowing gaze, they provided me with a knife to cut the ties which bound me once again." Anders sighed as he held out his arms. "I still feel them, those ties, on my wrist sometimes. I feel them pressing into my skin, peeling it raw as I tried to get away. The use rope, you know. Every time a mage escapes, they are brought back tied to the back of a wagon. Pulled by the wagon, the mage has no way to use his magic without losing his wrist."

"I didn't..." Nathaniel said sadly.

"No one does," Anders replied sadly. "anyways, I got away as far as the next barn when the Templars caught me again. They were not gentle this time. After tying me, they tied me to the wagon and pulled me along. My short legs gave out quickly and I collapsed half way to the docks.

At the docks, a man in crappy clothing waked me up. The boat keeper. He untied me quickly and handed me over to the Templars. I had a gash in my forehead from the trip and my arms and legs were bloodied but that mattered little to them. The first time I set eyes on the tower I was in awe. I admit to feeling like I was going to a place were I would belong, finally. But as we docked, it changed. I saw Templars everywhere. I saw mages frowning and giving me pitying looks as they took me to the First Enchanters office. The knight commander was there as well. The first look showed me disgust but as I turned to Irving I saw love. His eyes, so like my mothers, widened as he saw me. He yelled at the Templars for mistreating me and told them to get out. He took me from their grip and laid me on his bed. I remember nothing else of that day.

I awoke in my own bed, in my own room, in robes. The clothes I'd worn before were folded neatly at the end of the bed." Anders smiled fondly before continuing. "Irving saw potential in me... He never gave up. Even after my escapes." Nathaniel noted a sad tone in his voice. Almost like he missed Irving, and the Tower, more than he was willing to admit.

"How many escapes, exactly?" Nathaniel asked.

"The Templars would say 7 but I counted 15," he replied with a smile. "Maker I hated escaping. Weeks of planning only to be betrayed by my own blood. That damned phylactery won't do me anymore harm at least."

"One my semi last escape, I managed to get as far as the Antiva before they got me. I was pulled back my hair and thrown into solitary confinement longer than before. That dammed pit mixed with enraged Templars was not a good combination.

"In the hole, no one can hear you." He explained. " All the yelling in the world won't wake a sleeping soul. I spent 6 months in that hole. The Templars were especially mean. One in particular hated my guts and the guts of all the mages. He claimed that if we fought back we wouldn't be trapped in the Circle. We would be free like the Imperium was. He used to get drunk and beat me repeatedly. Once in a while, or whenever the Templars got bored, the would sneak into the pit and-" Anders stopped. Running a hand over his mouth, he leaned forward. "They took turns. As much as I pleaded with them, and by the maker did I plead, they persisted. Six of them. Twelve grubby, nasty, dirtied hands touched me." Anders shivered and rubbed his hands through his hair. _Thats why he's so neat_, Nathaniel told himself.

"They took turns making me their pillow. They slit my arms if I didn't suck on them the way they wanted or if I wasn't hard enough for their liking they'd use their Templar powers and cut my connection to my powers. They would take my strength away and drown me in their seed. They circled me and made me their pet on many occasions. As much I resisted, no one listened to me. The guards turned a blind eye, even the senior mages ignored was going on." Wrapping an arm against Anders, Nathaniel finally understood.

"Six months in that hole," continued Anders. "six months of looking up at the sky and finding nothing but faces. Faces of attackers, faces of the Templars. When I got out, I all but ran to Irving. It been almost 18 years since I was first brought in but never had Irving's loving smile stopped. He pulled me into a tight hug and whispered he tried his best to get me out. I thanked him and told him what had happened to me. I told him every detail, everything they did to me."

Anders said angrily, then shook his head. "I thought I'd be met with disgust and anger but instead Irving told me he would talk to the knight commander. It wasn't until I escaped and joined the Wardens that I learned that Irving has all the Templars removed and dishonored. He had them arrested for me, Nate. And I escaped with hatred towards him."

Anders shook his head again and sighed. "I've never been a very kind person. Always one for jokes, never one for kindness."

"At the brothel..." Nathaniel asked.

"I freaked. The tight space of the room mixed with my own drunkenness let me relive those times. I thought I was back in the hole, back with the Templar. I thought I was being... raped... all over again."

"Oh, Anders," Nathaniel crooned into his hair. "I shouldn't have left you. I shouldn't have said those mean things to you afterwards."

"You didn't know, Nate."

"I will never let them hurt you again, do you hear me?" Nathaniel promised, turning Anders to face him. Anders nodded. Somewhere deep inside him, he knew there was more to this story. Anders was keeping something hidden, something important.

"Stop," Anders stood. Nathaniel reached out to pull him back but Anders jerked away. "I can't do this anymore."

"Talk to me," Nathaniel implored.

Anders rubbed the back of his neck and looked at Nathaniel. He looked like he was ranking his brain for the right words. Words for what?

"You are too nice to me," Anders said. "I don't deserve your sympathy."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying we shouldn't be together."

"We shouldn't-what?" Nathaniel rose.

The feeling, oh that hateful feeling, ate at his heart. His heart stopped beating and he felt his body tremble. Was Anders breaking up with him? He looked at Anders, expecting him to go on, to explain. When he looked about to speak, Nathaniel suddenly feared of what he was going to say.

"I can't keep leading you on," Anders finally said.

"Leading me on?" Nathaniel questioned amused. "Since when have you been leading me on?"

A smile played on Anders' lips. "Since you believed me."

"Maker you are a good actor!" Nathaniel exclaimed, smiling. He could see the lie behind Anders. He saw him hold back. "You know you can tell me anything right?"

Anders nodded and for a moment Nathaniel saw a hint of shame pass by his amber eyes. He didn't want to loose him and so he let it go. Leaning into him, Nathaniel remained kneeled down in front of Anders and set himself between his legs. Anders' eyes widened and he looked alarm as Nathaniel ran a hand along his legs. Sides brushing Anders' thighs, Nathaniel saw a look in the mages eyes that made him stop. But that was replaced by a look of disappointment. Hiding a smirk, Nathaniel pressed his lips against the Mage's and wrapped a hand behind his head pulling him closer. Anders leaned back as Nathaniel pushed himself up. Letting himself settle between Anders open legs, Nathaniel ran a hand up Anders' thigh, reaching inward over his sensitive skin.

Running a soothing hand over Anders stomach to show him his feelings, Nathaniel soon found his hand under the robes fabric. The hard flesh he found made Anders growl and as he applied a bit of pressure he let out a low grumbling noise. Clenching his hands into fist, Anders arched his back. Nathaniel took a deep breathe to calm himself before wrapping his fingers around Anders'.

"We don't have to do this ..." Anders said suddenly. "I know I am forgiven."

"It's not about that," Nathaniel told him, moving his hand in a slow rhythm so to silence Anders who closed his eyes in surrender. Liking his lips, but determined not to run his tongue along the length of Anders and taking the tip in his mouth, Nathaniel continued his steady pace. Anders suddenly began to jerk and gripped harshly Nathaniel's shoulder. Taking the giant hint, Nathaniel weaves his other hand through Anders dark blonde hair pulling him into a kiss. Hands wet, Nathaniel wiped himself off on the bed sheets before pressing his forehead against Anders'. Instead of the questions that swarmed in his head, Nathaniel contented himself with wrapping his hands around Anders again. Anders, gasping into Nathaniel neck, reached for Nathaniel under his breeches. Grabbing onto him, he hesitated and Nathaniel tightened around him to encourage him. Suddenly, Anders jerked against his hand and pushed their hips together. Letting the mage do as he pleased, Nathaniel occupied himself with leaving tiny kisses along Anders exposed collarbone.

Riding out his orgasm, Anders sighed happily. Then pulled Nathaniel under him. Trailing wet, hot kisses as he removed the bit of clothing Nathaniel still had on, he trailed down his abdomen and gently ran his teethe over Nathaniel's hipbone. Nathaniel leaned into it, enjoying the sensation. Stripping him of his remaining clothing, Anders pressed his cool fingers into Nathaniel's thighs, teasing him. Finally, he wrapped his hot lips around Nathaniel. Imploring himself to make this stop, Nathaniel pushed the thoughts aside as Anders used his tongue expertly. Harshly grabbing a hold of Anders head, Nathaniel heard Anders flinch. The pleasure was too great but somehow he loosened his grip. Coming apart quicker than ever before, Nathaniel jerked his body in warning. But Anders kept at it, swallowing what he could. Flicking him with his tongue one last time before separating and lying next to him, Anders made a pleasing sound.

At a loss for words, Nathaniel worked on steadying his breathe before Anders leaned on an elbow and kissed him slowly. Taking his sweet time, Nathaniel enjoyed the softness of Anders' lips. Tasting himself on his lips, Nathaniel smiled as they separated.

"I love you," he heard himself say.

"I-" Anders smiled. A smile that lit, and warmed, Nathaniel to the core. "I never thought I'd hear you say that."

"I love you," Nathaniel said laughing. "I said it and I'll say it every day we are together."

"Even after everything I revealed?"

"It has to be hard, I get it. I mean, look who my father was." Nathaniel turned and placed his head on Anders' shoulder. "I know I can't possibly know what you went through but I want you to know I'm here. I'll never leave you."

"I love you as well," Anders told him smiling. For a second Nathaniel was sure he saw his smile twitch. A twitch that only happened when he lied.

No he would lie, not to me not after this.

Chapter 11

*Anders*

"Blight take you," I muttered as I opened the letter left on my desk. Reading it over quickly, I got the gist of it, blushing lightly, before closing it and pocketing it. Taking out parchment paper and a pen, I skipped formalities and begin the letter.

"I told you to never write to me here! What if someone got ahold of it? What then? Maker, it doesn't even matter. I've missed you. I've missed the feel of your skin, the way you say my name. Oh, blight take all, I've missed your kisses as much as you say you've missed mine. But I must remind you: I am a Gray Warden now. I have a plan to get you out. This confining Keep is so much like that blighted tower. Too much like it. Way too much.

I have taken a lover her, to avoid suspicion. Perhaps too hastily it seems. I seem to be his first, remember when I was your first? Do you remember how much fun we had? The hours in the library, behind that one shelf, we spent just being together. How I miss those times sometimes. Oh, love, you have no idea what he has me do to him. You would laugh! Not that it doesn't please me as well, I do need a release as i'm sure you have one, but the amount of time and care he needs is suffocating.

I miss you with all my being,

Anders"

"There you are!" Turning, I see Nathaniel approaching with a gigantic smile on his face. "I've been looking everywhere for you!" He tells me. His breeches, hanging low on his hips, made me blush as he closes the door to my room.

"You've found me," I responded with a smirk. Spreading papers over the letter, i feel Nathaniel leaning into me. His arms spread down my chest, one settling on my hips and the other around my neck loosely. His face on my shoulder, moist hair touching my cheek. His scent, vanilla I think, intoxicates me. I leaned my head back and let out a deep sigh. How could I not be happy with him as he is with me? Why can't I appreciate him as he does me?

"Your deep in concentration," Nathaniel notes. "Anything troubling you?"

"No," I squirm. Nathaniel pulled away. "No, Nate. I'm just tired."

"I got a troubling letter," Nathaniel told me. "My sister's husband was captured by the city guard up in the Free Marches."

"For what crime?" I ask, turning. "What did he do?"

"From the letter my sister sent he sold some questionable items to a certain noble."

"Oh," I replied. "What does she want you to do?"

"Get him out of course," Nathaniel replies as he laid back on my bed, hands cradling his neck.

"Well, of course she does," I tell him standing up. "using your magical Gray Warden powers, you shall convince those mean guards to let your brother-in-law go. And they shall live happily ever after."

"And what do these powers consist of exactly?" Nathaniel asked pulling me down on the bed with him.

"Shall I count the ways?" I said trailing my thumb on his cheek go the corners of his lip.

"Please do," Pulling my lips to his, I smile against them as I feel his breeches expand at his forming hardness.

A pinch of guilt hits me but I ignore it as I unbutton the simple shirt that he wears. A grain of shame as Nathaniel pulled at my robes. A squeeze of remorse as Nathaniel left smoldering kisses on my chest heading down... But none of that seemed to stop me. None of those things mattered to me as he takes me in completely. All I care about is the unending pleasure that Nathaniel is giving me. The pleasure he has given me for the last three months. The last three months which he constantly describes as the happiest in his life. The last three months that I would describe as confining.

As he finishes me off, I pull him into a brief kiss. Nipping at his lips, I lick myself off of him, something that he enjoys watching me do. Looking at his deep brown eyes filled with love and lust, I think of what mine must look like to him. Certainly not filled with love... Or are they? Always cringing at the word, I never gave it much thought. Yes, Nathaniel had expressed his love for me. And yes, I has reciprocated it but now, three months later, I think it was all in the heat of the moment. It was all in the heat of the moment. Nathaniel doesn't love me, he couldn't. He won't it he finds out. I should have told him when I returned from Antiva. He deserves to know.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked me tracing the length of my arm. "You are so tense." My plan to reveal my evil deed is crushed as he nibs at my neck. His teeth gently grazing my neck, his hand run down my stomach and keep heading south. I moan as he touches me.

"I have to speak to Heon," I tell him scrambling out of bed just as he began to stroke me. Now or never. "It just remembered something."

"Anything I can do?" he asks leaning on an elbow.

"No," I snap then sigh as I see the hurt in his eyes. "I just have to speak to him."

"All right, I'll be here waiting I'd that okay with you," I nod, glancing briefly at my hidden letter on my desk. I pat the other letter in my robe and leave the room.

Turning a corner and taking the stairs to the lower floor, I knock at Heon's office before entering a second later. Heon looks up from his mess of papers, takes one look at me and exclaims, "You've decided, haven't you?"


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 12

_*Anders*_

I lay sprawled out on my bed reading the newest manifesto Justice had dug up. His adamant plan to join our beings relied on my reading of these manifestos. And they seemed to make sense. Forever, I've been more preoccupied with escaping the tower, shagging the nearest woman/man, and living accommodation that I've disregarded true obvious problem. The Circle itself. Yes, I am a troublemaker but would I be one if the circle was in this bad of a shape.

The knock on the door surprised me. Quickly I covered the pages with a pillow and opened the door telepathically. Heon stormed in, red faced, took one look at me and grabbed me by the shirt collar and pulled to a sitting position. Surprised by his strength, I felt fear. What did I do to anger him so much? The wrath of an Orlesian is hard to come by...

"You've been here, how many days?" he sniffed around me. "How many days since you've bathe?"

"I don't rightly know," I replied in false contemplation. "Heon-"

"No, you are going to listen, not talk," he yelled angrily before taking a deep breathe and talking, "I've been told that only Cook and Justice are allowed in here. Why?"

"I didn't make that-"

"I've been away for," he made a vague gesture with his hand. "days and in that time you've disappointed not only Nathaniel but me. I want an explanation."

"Of what?"

"Why you are holed up here while Nathaniel lies wounded on the other side of the keep." My heart stopped. Nathaniel...hurt? Impossible. Justice would have told me.

"False Injuries won't get me-"

"It is not false," Heon shook his head. "See for yourself."

Before he could say another word, I got up walked out. Nathaniel's new room, on the other side of the keep, was far of from mine as possible. Just the way he wanted it after what I did to him. I'd broken his heart, "teared it to pieces" as Justice and I continued with our plan. _It's been a month_, Justice told me. _He is over you, I on the other hand need you._

A months ago, after finding out Justice and I continued to work together, Nathaniel had said enough was enough. He saw a future with me, just me. That future did not include Justice. Mine, though, did. I saw Justice and I become one. We would save mages from being taken by the Templars, from having to live in a jail cell their entire lives. Nathaniel couldn't see that. He took back his ring, evicted me out of his room and stopped talking to me altogether. It was around the time I became locked in my room.

My mind continue to ramble as I Ended up outside of his room faster than I realized, I pushed open the door without a second thought. Nathaniel stood by the large window, without a shirt on and completely uninjured. Seeing my reflection on the window, Nathaniel spun around. The door closed, either by my hand or someone else's, and suddenly we were alone. My heart broke seeing Nate speechless. His eyes wide, mouth gaped open in confusion, and chest rising as he calmed his breath.

In a contrite slow voice, Nathaniel asked, "What are you doing here, Anders?" His deep glorious voice went through me, my eyes teared up as my want, and guilt, grew.

"I- Nate... I'm sor-" I said stupidly. He took a step towards me, fish clenched. "I was led to believe that you were gravely injured. I should go."

"No!" Nathaniel yelled.

"Nate..." i began before being pushed up against the wall, a blade to my throat and arm crushing my waist.

"An fake injury?" Nate yelled. "That's what It took to get you to come here to talk? Oh, Maker damn you Anders," he pushed against me harder. "It's been a month... For everything we were, we were friends first."

"I-"

"No," he interrupted softly. "I have you here... Alone. You are going to listen to me, one way or another."

"Wha-"

His arm on my waist moved lower. While still hurtful, the location where it know pushed against made me aroused. He really knew how to push me to the edge. My members stiffened in response and I felt the cool tip of his blade lifting of my neck before being replaced by his large hand. He gripped my neck, almost chocking me. My eyes widened in terror and soon pleasure as his hand caressed me through my robes. My hands felt like jelly but I managed to push them against his hot chest. His breathing, now as accelerated as mine, stopped when I took ahold of his hair and pulled him to me, crashing out lips together. He continued to rub me while his hands, now safely away from my neck, untied the sashes that binded my robe.

Moaning against his mouth as his hands found my skin, I pulled him closer, our bodies breaths away. He continued to stroke me, painstakingly slow. I arched as warmth spread through Nathaniel's hand and soon my chest. That was too quick, I told myself.

"Its been too long, it seems." Nathaniel said his lips against the nook in my neck. "I have missed you."

"Nathaniel..." I whispered softly as his hands left my skin. He pushed his lower half against mine, pinning me to the wall. His hands pulled at my waist, his head rested on my shoulder. "I'm not forgiven, am I?"

"I don't know," Nathaniel replied. "Have you reconsidered this stupid endeavor you are pursuing?"

"No," I said softly, hoping he wouldn't hear it. I wanted to stay here, wrapped in Nathaniel for always. But I knew it would not be. Could not be. I had a destiny, so did he.

"I love you, forever and always," Nathaniel whispered as he kissed me. I pulled at him, turning the gentle kiss to a passionate and intense kiss, our tongues dancing together for dominance. Dominance that Nathaniel gave to me. I pushed him away, tears streaming down my face, and for the last time, I looked into his gray eyes. He knew, somewhere deep down inside of him, he knew. He knew I wouldn't be back.


	9. Chapter 9:Epilogue

**NOTE: I did this in three parts, so it might read a bit weird. I apologize for that. Also, this part is a work in progress, recently added (after i previously had erased it) so it probably had grammar and spelling errors. Again, i apologize for that. **

* * *

><p><em><strong>Deep roads<strong>_

We rushed around the corner at the sound of a yell. I recognized it right away, Nathaniel. I ran to it, leaving my comrades behind, and gripped my staff as we came upon a large number of darkspawn. I threw a fireball, careful to avoid Nathaniel and casted a rejuvenation spell around him. I knew he felt my magic, felt me- the taint will do that to you- but I saw no change in his battle position. Hawke, Isabela and Fenris came in to view, immediately drawing their weapons. Nathaniel saw them and retreated my way while they fought the spawn. I cast a paralyzing spell around us while I took in his state.

While mostly appearing, unscathed Nate was wounded. Blood was seeping through his armor at an alarming rate. Fenris, glanced at us briefly. I gave a slight nod and he immediately came to me. Helping me lift Nathaniel and carry him to the edge of the cave clearing, Fenris kept trying to catch my eye. But I ignored him; he could wait, Nathaniel couldn't. Protesting the entire way, while looking between us, Nathaniel slumped himself down with a thud and pushed me away.

"I'm fine," he told me. "Go help your friends." I nodded no and felt a hand on my shoulder. Fenris.

"Stay, I will go." Without another look, he unsheathed his large weapon and went to Isabela's side. Muttering a quick healing spell her way, I turned back to Nathaniel. It's been years, 9 years, 5 months, 6 days and 12 hours to be exact, since we last saw each other. Yet as the years have not been kind to me they have been generous on him. His piercing gray eyes stayed ever vigilant, his noble face, even his hawk like nose, remained the same. Young and smooth. I felt a need to touch him, to make sure he was real.

"You look as if you've seen a ghost," Nathaniel said chuckling, his eyes hard.

"I -"

"No," Nathaniel said, harshly. "Heal me then we shall speak."

* * *

><p><em>The battle was over...<em>

*Nathaniel*

"You're the champion of Kirkwall aren't you?" Nathaniel asked getting up. Anders helped him up until Nathaniel gently pushed him away. "And … Anders?

"Making friends as always," Anders said cheerfully at his side.

"There is no escaping you, I see." Nathaniel said smiling sadly.

"I'm special that way," Anders told him.

"Thats one way to put it." He smiled at Anders. Thoughts returned, the emotion of being left at the- no, this is not the time, he chastised himself.

After a few more words with the leader, Hawke, they set up camp. Nathaniel's eyes wondered to Anders as he and the elf sent up the tents. With two wardens in tow, even one injured as he was, Hawke had decided it was safe enough to pull up camp. Nathaniel protested until Anders interceded and managed to convince him he needed the rest. Taking Anders' advice, Nathaniel agreed.

His eyes wander over his rescue team. Isabela, the shifty pirate, stood on patrol, her back to the party. Fenris, the elf, was smiling intently at Anders. A sudden pinch of pain hit Nathaniel as the elf, after looking at Hawke, who'd gone to relieve himself, leaned into Anders and kissed him. Anders, as passionate as ever, dropped the final spike and gripped Fenris by the neck pulling him closer. Nathaniel was enthralled by a sudden emotion that caused him pain. Jealousy. He felt the need to punch Fenris for touching Anders until he saw Anders' hand on the elf's thigh. Anders returned the feeling it seemed. Sighing, he tried to avoid them instead he inspected his bow. His mind kept wondering to the two men. Anders... had moved on. Why couldn't he?

"Dammit guys!" Hawke proclaimed as he came back. He hit his forehead in frustration as Anders gripped Fenris' head to keep him from moving. "Anders!"

With a growl, Fenris pushed Anders away laughing. Anders blushed when he turned and saw Nathaniel looking. Nathaniel looked away choosing to continue polishing his bow. He continued his assessment of the party. Hawke, now there was a man who knew opportunity. Immediately, Nathaniel like him. Like himself he was a rogue, if not lacking skill. Also like himself, he preferred "swords" rather than "shields". His attempts to flirting were interesting to say the least. Anders dirty hand, Nathaniel supposed.

Finally giving up, Hawke declared he was hungry. Feeling useless, Nathaniel offered to catch a few nugs for supper. Anders and Fenris joined him, Anders as his nurse and Fenris a guard. They walked a a few yards when Nathaniel began to feel weak. He clenched his fist and continued on until Anders gripped him by the shoulder and set him down. Fenris continued on after a brief discussion. After the elf left, Anders sat himself down next to Nathaniel and sighed. Nathaniel's head seemed to weigh a thousand pounds as he turned to look at Anders. Anders was staring at him, his honey brown eyes softly tracing his features.

"The elf, huh?" Nathaniel asked. "Didn't know you were into elves."

"I -we aren't-"

"So that kiss was what? An act?" Nathaniel said chuckling. "You don't have to lie to me."

"It's complicated. He wants me one minute, the next he is spewing his Tevinter curses at me," Anders explained. "That was just, what I suspect, his way of showing possession."

Nathaniel nodded, understanding. Anders was wonderful of course someone wanted him. Unable to resist any longer, Nathaniel ran his hand through Anders hair, startling him. Anders' eyes widened but he didn't move. His silken hair had become darker, richer. The texture was the same. The same as when he pulled on it to make Anders go faster, the same as when he gripped it their last night together.

"Why?" Nathaniel asked silently.

Startled, Anders shook his head. "Not here."

"Where?" Nathaniel pleaded. "We have to speak, alone." He clutched Anders' hair pulling them closer. "We have to."

"Why is that?"

"Fenris," Anders exclaimed standing, Nathaniel's hand felling limb at his side. Fenris stood behind them, glowing. "Calm down, Fen."

"Why is that?" Fenris repeated in his deep voice. "Why?"

"We must speak of private matters, Elf," Nathaniel said standing. "It need not concern you."

Taking one fluid step to him, Fenris gripped Nathaniel by the neck and raised him, chocking him. Nathaniel tensed and saw the panic in Anders' eyes. Either he still cared or the elf was crazy. Nathaniel looked into Fenris' eyes, their deep green were hard, and for a moment, saw love. He wanted Anders that was clear. But as much as Nathaniel loved Anders, perhaps not. His love was different, chaotic. Something Anders loved.

"He is mine, everything he does concerns me," the elf said. Nathaniel shivered. Once, he'd told Justice the exact same thing... once it been true. Sighing, Nathaniel raised his hands in surrender. The warrior let him go and stepped back. "We should get back before Hawke begins looking for us," he told Anders softly. Anders nodded and looked at Nathaniel. His head was spinning but he was all right.

He walked behind them, reminiscing. Anders, the old Anders would made light of the situation. A light inappropriate joke or a jab at Nathaniel's pride. This Anders wasn't his Anders. What happened in these ten years? What made Anders' this empty void?

ᴥ

As always, Anders cooked. Nathaniel watched in deep fascination as Anders tried to de-skin the nugs Fenris had caught. Anders merely stared at it, as if it would de-skin itself under his glare. Finally, laughing, Nathaniel made his way to Anders and took ahold of the nug. He sat himself down in the hearth near the fire, and Anders, and began the careful process of de-skinning the poor beast. Anders sighed in relief and began to prepare the stew.

"Stop sighing," Nathaniel told him, echoing the words Anders had told him long ago. "Its unbecoming."

Anders looked up at him, surprise washed over his features. "You remembered..."

"Of course I do," Nathaniel told him, throwing him the nug he'd finished. "I remember everything."

"Every...thing," Anders repeated with a smirk. "Of course you do."

Nathaniel nodded, unable to respond. He finished the last two nugs in silence and stayed there, eyes glued to Anders. The elf had taken first patrol so there was no need to hide his staring. Hawke laid on his bedroll, pretending to nap. While Isabela read quietly a few feet away. Nathaniel unhooked his chain mail, Anders' eyes followed his every move, and set it off to the side by his bedroll. Now, only in a simple shirt and breeches, he sprawled out by the fire and stared at Anders.

"We really must speak in private," Anders told him. "Just not here."

Nathaniel nodded his head. No, not here. Not where the elf can hear them. "Where?"

"In my clinic, in Darktown."

"Your clinic?" Nathaniel smiled. "You are saving lives."

"Its my way of repenting," Anders explained. "My way of making up for everything I did to you."

"Me?" Nathaniel faltered. "Anders, you have nothing to make up to me."

"Yes, I do!" Anders cried out through clenched teeth. "I owe you a lot."

"Anders," Nathaniel placed a hand on Anders' knee, like Anders used to do. "You owe me nothing."

ᴥ

Hawke, having awoken at the smell of the cooking nugs, sat near him when Anders declared the food ready. The elf returned, claiming all was calm, and Isabela took the next shift taking her food with her. The elf stared at Nathaniel, as Nathaniel stared at Anders, who stared at his food intently and Hawke stared at Nathaniel. Awkward as it might have been, Nathaniel was curious what had happened after Anders escaped the wardens, and him.

"So, Anders, what have you been up to these last few years?" He asked in a casual tone. Only Anders could hear the underlying anger he asked it with. What did you do after leaving me on the alter?

"Traveling," Anders said vaguely.

"In Kirkwall?" Nathaniel asked. "I seem to recall you hating the Free Marches."

"I seem to recall the same about you," Anders replied. "Yet, here you are."

"Not by my choosing, I assure you," Nathaniel shook his head. "I'm glad I am here, though."

"So, you and Anders served together in the wardens," Hawke stated. "So you knew him before?"

"Before what?" Nathaniel asked, eyebrows scrunching up in confusion.

"Don't do that, Nate," Anders said before he could help it. Anders never did like his confused face. At least he hadn't forgotten that. "I mean-"

"What does he mean before, Anders?" Nathaniel interrupted. Anders looked away but not without a glace at him. A glance that told him, later. He'd let it go, for now.

"So, aside from this lack of information, how was being together in the wardens?" Hawke asked, poking him in the ribs. "Any juicy information we should know about Anders?"

"Lots," Nathaniel said without thinking. "Did you know we- he was engaged?"

"Nate!" Anders exclaimed standing. "Nathaniel."

"Yes, Sparkle-fingers?" Nathaniel smiled. "Calm down, I'm just kidding."

"I think I'll go check on Isabela," Anders said walking away. The elf followed him after giving Nathaniel a glare. Did he know? No, of course not. Anders wouldn't tell that to anyone.

"Was he really engaged?" Hawke asked once they were out of sight. Nathaniel nodded and continued eating. "To whom?"

"Me," Nathaniel told him, bitterly. "We were engaged once."

"Maker!" Hawke exclaimed. "It must be hard seeing Fenris and him together."

"Must be harder for you," Nathaniel shot back. "Seeing them every day, together."

Hawke nodded every so slightly and looked sadder. His honey brown eyes began to pool before he regains control and turned to Nathaniel with a small smile. "It is. I love him. Fenris, I mean. But Anders' pleases him... and I don't."

"Don't blame yourself. Anders can be pretty persistent when he wants to be."

"Yes," Hawke said. "He can be."

A few moments of silence passed before Nathaniel set his plate down and shook his head. Maker, someone has to know. "Do you wish to hear what happened?"

"Yes," Isabela said from behind. "I would love to hear the tale."

"Anything for you, my lady," Nathaniel said. "But sadly, I think mustn't. Anders is still very close to my heart. I do not wish to open old wounds. Perhaps another time?"

"As you wish," Hawke nodded. "How long before Justice did you know him?"

"Justice?" Nathaniel asked confused. "What does Anders-" then it hit him. Like an ogre hurling a rock at his face, Nathaniel shook his head. "They merged, didn't they?"

"Yes," Hawke said slowly. "It was before we met him."

"Now I understand," Nathaniel said. "I think I need to rest."

"Yes, of course." Isabela said looking at Hawke. "We should do the same."

* * *

><p><em>Sleep didn't come fast enough for Nathaniel...<em>

After saving the remaining wardens, Hawke and his companions bid their goodbyes. Nathaniel was to remain in the deep roads to collect the possessions of his fallen comrades. He would head to Anders' clinic. He had to. He took a deep breathe before continuing collecting his things.

He gave the warden orders, after all he was their commander, and gave them coins. They thanked him for not leaving them and wished him luck. They knew of Anders. Some had been novices when they'd begun their affair others heard it from others. At first Nathaniel had been embarrassed for having his things all out in the open. But after Heon left, supposedly to Antiva to meet up with his lover, leaving him in charge, he realized it was all part of the job. Initiates liked to know that they were serving a human being not just another pain in the mud commander.

His men, having some to a unanimous decision, went with him to Kirkwall. The giant gates impressed them enough to stay after having a heated discussion with the guards. They stayed at the Hawke estate, having looked him up first. Hawke was pleased to have him and his men in his estate. He through a party for them, inviting all sorts of entertainment.

Nathaniel was there for none of it. Since first arriving, he asked for directions to Anders' clinic. He found it the next night after wondering Darktown. But after stepping in a questionable pile of leaves, he'd turned back. After the third day, his men, tired of his excuses, dragged him to Darktown and practically pushed him into the clinic. They stationed themselves outside as Nathaniel entered the clinic.

Cots lines the wall, some had resting patients in them, some held supplies. Anders was sitting back on his chair, legs on the desk in the far back, his hair in his face as he read a book.

Nathaniel, stealthy as ever, moved slowly towards him. He didn't think he'd get as far as running his hands into Anders' robes before the mage turned around and face him. For a brief moment, his eyes glowed a light blue. Startled, Nathaniel let go and took a step back.

"Justice," Nathaniel breathed out. "You are there."

"Of course I am, rogue!" Justice laughed cruelly. "I won. He chose me."

"I want to speak to Anders," Nathaniel said sternly. "Now!"

Anders' eyes stopped glowing, his head snapped forward and he fell on his knees. Nathaniel rushed to him, cradled him, kissed his forehead. Anders wrapped his arms around himself, something he never did, and pushed himself closer to Nathaniel's chest. Softly, Nathaniel heard Anders crying. Holding in tears of his own, Nathaniel hugged his mage. Anders hugged him back as if his life depended on it.

"I'm here," Nathaniel whispered.

Minutes, hours, passed. Yet they remained in each others arms. Neither wanting to let go, afraid the other would disappear. Finally, exhausted and drained, Anders pulled away. He looked into Nathaniel's eyes and Nathaniel noticed the difference in them. No longer did they shine with humor and gaiety, now they were dull and filled with never ending sadness.

"Anders," Nathaniel said. "I love you."

"You-" Anders looked at him, shocked. "You can't possibly-"

"I love you, even after all this," Nathaniel told him placing his hand on either sides of Anders' face. "I love you Forever and always."

ᴥ

Nathaniel left. He left Anders in Kirkwall with the promise to return as soon as he could. He'd left Anders with an open invitation to visit the Keep. When ever you need me or a safe place, the Keep will provide you with both.

A few days after he arrived, he received a letter. He read it, a frowning, and responded.

To Niall Hawke

I apologize for skipping introductions but your letter deeply puzzled me. What do you mean when you write that Anders is more Justice than Anders? Has Anders lost control? I am also puzzled over why he should want Sela Petrae and Drakestones? You do know that Sela Patrae, a very sticky almost goo like substance was once used to make explosives? The Keeps own explosives makers requests large amount of it monthly. As for the Drakestones, what possible use can he want with it? Together, according to my explosives specialist, they make a bomb of sorts. He tells me that such bomb hasn't been used since the Imperium. Isn't that elf a former slave of the Imperium?

I tell you Hawke, do not get these ingredients for him. I fear Justice may have other plans for them, plans Anders cannot tell you. I wish I could travel to Kirkwall and settle this before anything were to happen but I fear the trek would take weeks. I am still injured, as it would seem, and therefore cannot risk the trek. But I implore you, do not help him. It is not a spell he is seeking, it is destruction.

For everyone's sakes, I hope this letter reaches you in time. Do not do anything drastic. I will send a few of my wardens with you, including your sister, just in case. They will contact you when they arrive, hopefully before any trouble arises.

-Nathaniel Howe

Warden Commander

Ending the letter, he seals it with the Warden seal and orders his courier to send the letter to arrive as fast as possible. He feels a fear creeping in him. What could Justice be planning? Certainly this is against Anders' wishes. Or at least he hoped it was.

He never expected to find Anders in chains as his guards brought him to inside. He yelled at the top of his lungs for the chains to be removed, all too clearly remembering Anders' fright at being tied up. Gently as possible, he picked up his mage and took him to his bedroom. No questions were asked, not about his torn up clothing or his bloody nose. He didn't question Anders. He merely comforted the mage until he fell asleep. In the morning, as Anders awoke, Nathaniel kissed his forehead and pulled him closer.

"Anders, love, what is wrong?" Nathaniel whispered not expecting an answer.

"Hold me," Anders softly replied between sobs. "Just hold me."

"For as long as you want," Nathaniel promised him.

Under the covers, Nathaniel pulled Anders to his chest and let him cry. He ran his hand through Anders' blond locks until the mage was asleep, but even then, convinced it was all a dream, Nathaniel held Anders. He wasn't about to let him go, not for anything in the world.

Anders would weep or cry out in pain suddenly and even hit Nathaniel, but he continued to hold him. Occasionally, during the short night, Anders would whisper or cry out for Nathaniel until Nathaniel kissed him gently or touched his cheek.

The next morning when Anders awoke, Nathaniel still held him. When he tried to pull back, Nathaniel pulled him closer. He looked into those honey brown eyes filled with sadness and couldn't let himself be pulled away. Anders smiled sadly before cuddling into the nock in Nathaniel's shoulder. He laid his hands on Nathaniel's broad chest and fell asleep once more.

Eventually, hunger made them get up. They got up, hand in hand, and changed. Nathaniel had kept what little clothes Anders' hadn't taken with him and so Anders had clean clothes. For the first time, Nathaniel saw that Anders' robe had holes in it. Not only holes but burn marks. Anders himself seemed all right, until he removed his robe.

As the robe fell to the floor, leaving Anders completely nude, Nathaniel saw that he was wrong. All along the mage's body were bruised, cuts and healing wounds. His entire body was horribly decorated by these marks, not one inch of him was clean. Nathaniel stopped changing and almost choked on his own saliva.

"What did they do to you?" He managed to breathe out. "Who did this?"

"Love," Anders said buttoning his robe closed. "I deserved them."

"Who?" Nathaniel repeated.

"Nate-"

"They will pay for ever touching you!" Nathaniel yelled. "Tell me who it was."

"It was the Templars." Anders closed the space between them and looked Nathaniel in the eye. "I deserved it."

Nathaniel, angry and shocked, continued to dress. But he let it go.

After eating, they retreated back to their room. News arrived from Kirkwall. Hawke and his companions had fled shortly after killing Knight Commander Meredith. Only Fenris had been injured, according to Varric's letter. Varric was the only one willing to talk to Anders, the rest were too pissed off or scared of Hawke to do so. According to Varric, both the Chantry and the Templars were looking for Anders, who had been declared a traitor and murderer.

"Just like old times," Anders joked.

"Only Rylok isn't leading the 'Anders is a murderer' crusade this time." Nathaniel reminded him. "They will not have you."

He set patrol around the Keep and Ander was to never leave his side. All the Wardens, asked to or not, protected them when the guards came. They fought their way in, the Wardens- initiates and seasoned- stalled them while Anders and Nathaniel fled, hand in hand.

"Always and forever,d" Anders vowed to Nathaniel as he produce from his pocket the ring Nathaniel had given him a long time ago. With Justice gone, it was only Nathaniel and Anders always and forever. Forever and Always.

* * *

><p><strong>Always and Forever Refers to another story of mine called, "Always and Forever" here on FanFic... if you want to read it just go on my profile page, it should be there :))<strong>

**Also, this is the end. I will, when my school work lets up, add more to it all, and make it better. **


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